John Rocker: The Man Behind the Bigotry

John Rocker. When most people here that name, they think of a boy with tremendous talent coming up through the great Atlanta Braves organization.  He had the world at his fingertips, with a sharp slider and a nasty 4 finger fastball. Then he made the innocent mistake of saying, “on the subway, looking like you’re riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, next to some dude who looks like he just got out of jail for the 4th time” when talking about riding the subway in New York City. The liberal media jumped on Rocker, destroying his life, his baseball career, and any chance he had of riding a subway through New York City again. He turned to his his old loves, steroids and weightlifting, but when Gold’s Gym in Marietta, Georgia took away his membership, he had hit an all time low. John stated, ” I only had free weights at my apartment, how the fuck am I supposed to work my lats with free weights.” We feel your pain John.

His life was in the gutter, but did he let that get him down? Absolutely not. John Rocker did what he knows best, he went on the attack. Like a horse coming out of the gates, or like John Rocker running out of the bullpen to the mound, he started a campaign to end the diminishing American culture by coming out with t-shirts that said “SPEAK ENGLISH” on the front of them. A man that hates foreigners? More like a man who loves the shit out of America. John Rocker is a true patriot through and through. “When I say ‘Speak English’ I don’t mean I hate foreigners, I learned spanish for those free loading sons of bitches.” Through further research, we have learned that John was so heavily involved with the Latin American community that he was awarded an honorary bachelors degree in spanish from the University of Phoenix. “Yea I’d throw them parties, I’d get some sombraros and shit, hand out a few tacos.” Sounds like a guy who knows a lot about hispanic culture.

Rocker has also been known to do a lot of work with inner city kids. “Pretty much, I go in and make sure everyone knows how to speak english good, the American way.” Our research has shown that 47 percent of children that have worked with John Rocker have shown improvement in their english speaking abilities. When presented with these figures Mr. Rocker stated “There’s only 3 numbers that matter, 49, 1 and 2000. 49 because thats my baseball number, 1 because I’m number 1, and 2000 because I give 2000 percent every time I step on the mound or in the classroom, or on the t-shirt maker.” You would have never known it by looking at his large collection collection of silk pajamas or love of charity work. “My boy Rock n’ Jock is like the Bono of the Southeastern United States,” claims long-time friend of Rocker, Randall Nash, “My whole life, Johnnie has been giving to people.” John was happy to be compared to a charitable figure such as Bono, but did not appreciate compared to someone who wears stupid sunglasses and isn’t American.

This is just the story of one misunderstood man, who loves to give so much that he almost lost it all. He’s  a renaissance man, a giver, and an American til’ the fuckin’ end.

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