On February 12th Americans celebrated the bi-centennial birthday of its most beloved president, Abraham Lincoln. Many rumors have surfaced that honest Abe was fighting for both sides, not during the Civil War , not inside his political party, but in the bed room. It’s possible that Lincoln was bi-presidential. The ramifications are endless top hats going back into style, fishnet being worn during February(presidents month), and even the penny becoming fabulous again. After extensive research, surfing through Wikipedia and dipping into multiple issues of Instinct magazine we believe these rumors to be false. Below we have complied a list of reasons why Abe was not Gaybraham Lincoln.
Character– Honesty, Fortitude, Intelligence. Just 3 of the 46 adjectives commonly used to describe Lincoln. When you see Abe, you wouldn’t know by looking at him, but he was incredibly strong. He could bench press 4 petite ladies, the equivalent of 600 pounds. Not only was he strong, but he had technique. He was the best wrestler in the entire United States for 4 straight, very straight, years. Not only could he fight greasy, sweaty men, but he could fight wood. The kind that likes to fight back and grow. I’m talking about trees! He was masterful with an axe. Nobody ever called Paul Bunyan gay, or Triple-H, so why would they turn the colonial version of the Rock into the man who liked rock hard …abs? You get the point.
Appearance – Many people question the attire of the former president, but what is there to question about top hats, bowties, and chinstrap beards. Umm hello, Mr. Peanut has been sportin’ that style for years, and he’s without a doubt, the least gay peanut in the entire peanut world. Chinstrap beards are still popular today, Ben Roethlisberger has one right now. You can’t discount how fashionable Abe was. This doesn’t make him gay, it just makes him clairvoyant. His style was so good, that it was from the future. If you’re going to call Abe anything, call him revolutionary, or a time-traveler, but please refrain from calling him gay. He can time travel so he will kill you.
Political Ties– Just because Abe was part of the Whig party and hung out with copperheads didn’t make his a fairy. The Whig party was more than just a group of men who thought the same way and wanted to do the same things, like go shopping (for important state needs), fill holes (because there were a lot of problems in the United States), and make people feel good. They needed a place to hang their hats and whigs, and let loose a little bit. It was the unfortunate name of the group, imposed by none other than Sir Harold Boner. The fact that Sir Harold Boner was himself a homosexual, should in no way, shape or form cast doubt into Abe’s own sexuality.
Family – Lincoln was a family man. His wife Mary “Todd” Lincoln was also known as the “she-wolf”, because of the unsightly ear hair, not because she had the middle name Todd or the fact she possessed a male organ between her legs. Mary bared two sons in the name of the republic “Willie” and “Tad”. Abe having children places him along many other straight family men such as, Richard Gere, Mike Piazza, Dustin Diamond and Neil Patrick Harris.
Living Arguments– A man of Lincoln’s size and stature could never hide in a closet, especially because log cabins don’t have closets. Even if Abe had a massive wheel of cheese left at the entrance hall of the White House and served drink made from apple juices, I see nothing flamboyant about eating a little cheese and drinking a few delicious Appletinis. As for the rumor that Lincoln use to sleep with grown men hogwash, the winters in DC can get very cold especially when your werewolf wife isn’t around to snuggle. The name Log Cabin Republican is just merely a coincidence.
Here is a poem Honest Abe wrote
I will tell you a Joke about Jewel and Mary
It is neither a Joke nor a Story
For Rubin and Charles has married two girls
But Billy has married a boy
The girlies he had tried on every Side
But none could he get to agree
All was in vain he went home again
And since that is married to Natty
So Billy and Natty agreed very well
And mama’s well pleased at the match
The egg it is laid but Natty’s afraid
The Shell is So Soft that it never will hatch
But Betsy she said you Cursed bald head
My Suitor you never Can be
Beside your LOW CROTCH
proclaims you a botch
And that never Can serve for me
If that doesn’t emancipate him, I don’t know what does