In this 2009 NFL draft, teams were allowed to select anyone from history, making it the inaugural NFL Historical Draft. It will be accompanied by the rookie draft where teams actually select real players out of college, but that is in the future so we thought we would post the results of the 2009 Historical Draft, since it was not widely publicized.
1. Detroit Lions – Jesus Christ – QB/Savior
The Detroit Lions select Jesus Christ with their first pick, not only because of his all around athletic ability, but because they need a fucking prayer to be good again. Detroit went with Jesus because of his high TD to INT ratio, excellent field vision, and leadership abilities. He’s a real character guy too, no team wouldn’t want to have him as their quarterback. He’ll go from being the face of a religion to the face of a franchise. The only knock on Jesus is that he is a poor scrambler, evident when he was captured and nailed to a cross. Hopefully Detroit can help him out by picking up some O-lineman or disciples in free agency.
2. St. Louis Rams – Ramses the Great – OT
While it is unknown what Ramses II’s true size is, his monuments make it look like he is huge, because they are all huge. Rams GM Bill Devaney stated that his name had absolutely nothing to do with the selection, it had everything to do with his strength, size and that he has more upside than a sand dune in the Sahara. He is known as a leader and the Rams faithful will be putting a monument of Ramses outside their stadium, whether they like it or not.
3. Kansas City Chiefs – Martin Lawrence – Actor/CB
The Chiefs made a big mistake here. There staff was planning on selecting Abraham Lincoln, a great pass rushing DE from Kentucky, but new coach Todd Haley had just stayed up all night watching reruns of “Martin” and the film “Black Knight”. When asked for his selection he blurted out Martin Lawrence, and the selection was final. This team is in a lot of trouble unless Martin Lawrence acts more like his character from “Bad Boys” , and less like Shanaynay from “Martin”.
4. Seattle Seahawks – Benjamin Franklin – WR
Ben Franklin was an obvious choice for the Seahawks. They lack any excitement and electricity on offense, so why not draft the inventor of electricity. His only weaknesses are that he is fat, and has a soft spot for the ladies, which can be somewhat of a distraction at times. He is extremely intelligent on the field and always makes big plays, and is not afraid to make the difficult catches and sign important documents, like the declaration of independence.
5. Cleveland Browns – Lebron James – Whatever position he wants to play
With the 5th pick, the Browns selected the greatest athlete in the history of the world and hometown hero, Lebron James. It might be a desperate attempt to keep him playing basketball for the Cavs, but many believe that Lebron will be the best football player on the planet when he steps on the field. He will most likely be playing on offense and defense, due to his limitless stamina and will most likely play LB and WR due to his strength, size, speed, hands and amazing dunking ability. Hopefully Derek Anderson will be able to keep his job at starting QB, because backup quarterback Lebron James is already putting a lot of pressure on him.
6. Cincinnati Bengals – Albert Einstein – RB
The Bengals played it safe here by picking a guy who doesn’t have a very questionable character. He is probably one of the smartest people in history, and his explosive speed makes him almost unstoppable. He is almost as explosive as the bombs he is somewhat responsible for creating. He racked up a lot of yards in his time at the University of Zurich, hopefully he can replicate those stats for the Bengals. Unfortunately, after the draft, it was discovered that Einstein was in fact a rapist and was wanted in 12 countries. Cincinnati is concerned, but willing to have him on their team.
7. Oakland Raiders – Adolph Hitler – LB
Al Davis is not afraid to pick a talented guy with character issues and he really went for it on this pick. Hitler brings his leadership abilities and hatred for all minorities to this Raiders defense. It could be a real catalyst for the team, as he knows how to crush his opponents and his hitting ability is murderous. You can already see that many Oakland supporters are behind him, as many of the Oakland jewish community have gone into hiding. His only weaknesses are that he only speaks German, he hates all the black players on the team, and all of the players are terrified to use the showers. Other than that, if his abilities can be harnessed and his hatred of the jews can be tempered, he will be a great player for this franchise.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars – Winston Churchill – OT
Winston Churchill did a great job of protecting England from the Nazis during World War II and will likely be protecting QB David Gerrard for a long time. He’s got the size, but some question his athleticism and the fact that he smokes. The Jags have a lot of talent on offense and if everything comes together, he could be anchoring one of the top offenses for a long time to come, or until the Nazis stop him, but he won’t have to worry about U-boats in Jacksonville, or does he?
9. Green Bay Packers – Abraham Lincoln – DE
He’s tall, he’s strong, he can do almost everything. With his hard work and great attitude, hell fit in perfectly with the Packers and make them an instant contender. Sacking the quarterback will be easy compared to ending slavery and defeating the confederacy. The only person that can block him is John Wilkes Booth, but it is doubtful he’ll ever make it to the league with his bum knee. It’ll be tough to fit his top hat under the helmet, but at least he won’t have to worry about getting shot in the back of the head.
10. San Fransisco 49ers – Alexander the Great – QB
His field general abilities are second to none, and this is a desperate area of need for the 49ers, with Alex Smith not panning out at all. They are extremely lucky to get Alexander, they don’t have to worry about him having small hands like his predecessor. He can come in play right away, and will lead his team much like he led his soldiers in defeating the Persians, Egyptians, etc. He was not pleased by the way he was portrayedl in the film with Colin Farrell and will come into the league with a chip on his shoulder, which ironically wouldn’t be his only physical deformity.
11. Buffalo Bills – Che Guevera – LB
He provides a lot of help rushing the passer, something the Bills had trouble with last year. He is quick, and armed to the teeth, but much like the Bills, he will eventually fail. He will be happy playing for the Bills, but will undoubtedly have a lot of trouble living and working in the United States, as they were the ones who had him killed the first time he died, but who knows, maybe now that he’s playing football, he will take out his aggression on the opposing team instead of opposing governments.
12. Denver Broncos – Theadore Roosevelt – DT
There are a lot of problems on the Broncos right now, a lot of bad attitudes (Brandon Marshall) and locker room cancers (Jay Cutler) so who better to keep them in line than Mr. Carry-A-Big-Stick, Teddy Roosevelt. He will dominate his opponents but more importantly, he will be a great leader, and no one will get out of line with “Teddy Bear” on the team.
13. Washington Redskins – George Washington – DE
The Redskins ranked near the bottom of the league in sacks, and adding Albert Haynesworth and his 100 million dollar contract, they made the move to get General George Washington, first president and wood teeth expert. He will get sacks and destroy the QB, much like he destroyed the brits. He has experience in Washington, and everyone thinks it’d be cool to see Washington on the front and back of the jersey.
14. New Orleans Saints – Napoleon Bonaparte – CB
He may be slight in stature, but he makes up for it with attitude and toughness. He is a man who definitely suffers from “short person syndrome” but he is fast, strong and will shut down any receiver. He is happy to be in New Orleans, a city with french connections and hopes to rebuild the city much like he built his empire, with exception to his exile and defeats. He will add a new dimension to a defense that has the talent in place, but he’d better hope he can stop Steve Smith, who may be the Waterloo to the Saints’ new cornerback.
15. Houston Texans – George W. Bush – FS
George W. Bush is a true texan, and now is really a true Texan. He wanted to play quarterback in college, but realized he was better at hurting people than helping them, so he moved to FS where hurting people was actually helpful to the team. He will bring a lot of corporate support to a team that is generally lacking a strong fan base. His poor intelligence and communication abilities hurt his chances of being a top pick, as well as the fact that he sucks overall, but the Texans don’t care because he offered them a lot of money to pick him.
16. San Diego Chargers – Gandhi – LB
Who would’ve thought that such a peaceful person would be so violent on the football field? If you’ve seen his high school football videos on youtube, you’d know that the only thing Gandhi likes more than fasting is hitting. He will make a great teammate and once he adds a little weight, he’ll be a monster.
17. New York Jets – Burt Reynolds – QB
When Jets owner Woody Johnson found out actor Burt Reynolds, from his favorite film “Smokey and the Bandit” actually played a quarterback in another film, “The Longest Yard”, Woody almost got an erection, too bad he has ED. When a man named Woody Johnson can’t get a boner you know something is wrong. Back to the point, while Reynolds may be a little old, he has the charisma and physique to be a successful QB for the Jets. He actually played QB for Florida State, almost making him ineligible for the draft, but since he is primarily known for his acting, it was allowed.
18. Chicago Bears – Mike Ditka – TE
They don’t need a tight end, and really Ditka wasn’t even eligible for the draft, but they wouldn’t pick anyone else, so we allowed it. Their fan base will no doubt be pleased, but he doesn’t actually help their team at all.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tim Tebow – QB
Well it breaks the rules, and Tim Tebow HATES breaking rules, but it just so happens that his game breaks all the rules, because he is such an unconventional quarterback. He is the light at the end of the tunnel, period. He is God’s natural son, the Lions made a huge mistake by not selecting him with the first pick, and he will make them pay, but not monetarily. And he will be courteous about it. He will embarrass them on the field, but apologize for it after the game. He is a credit to all mankind, and seeing our boy finally make it as a pro brings a tear to our eyes.
20. Detroit Lions – King Midas – King
A purely fiscal move for a club that is struggling in this economic crisis. He has ties to the auto industry and can turn anything to gold, so as long as the price of gold is high, he will make the club a lot of money. Lions coaches are talking about using him as a kick returner, but his durability and malleability remains to be seen.
21. Philadelphia Eagles – Mark Wahlberg – WR/ Special Teams
He was so good in pretending to be a player for the Eagles that they actually selected him in real life. He is tough, fast, strong, and has everything to make a good football player, except for the fact that he is an actor. They picked him in this spot because they were afraid the Atlanta Falcons would pick him, as their owner Arthur Blank, is a big Marky Mark fan. Hopefully Wahlberg will learn to act like a real man when he breaks his fingers on a Donovan Mcnabb pass in practice, or his football career will be less successful than his rap and underwear modeling career.
22. Minnesota Vikings – Judas Iscariot- DE
In an attempt to stop the new force in their conference, the Minnesota Vikings selected undersized DE, Judas. He may not be the fastest or most athletic DE, but he is the only person who could stop Jesus before, so the Vikings are hoping that he can do it again.
23. New England Patriots – Benedict Arnold – Spy/Cheater/Traitor
He is perfect for Bellichick. He cheats, he will spy on the other teams, he will do anything. They’d better hope he doesn’t betray them though, because he is such a good traitor that he would betray anyone. He’s also a local too, right from Connecticut, so unless he is not allowed in the United States still, he will be welcomed to this Patriots team.
24. Atlanta Falcons – Louis Pasteur – Milk
The Falcons are terrified of selecting another dog-killer, so they selected the friendliest man with animals they could find. Louis Pasteur will provide the team with a lot of good milk, not the most thirst-quenching drink for games, but healthy nonetheless. It will be great to see all the Falcons chugging milk on the sidelines of their games, and he might not be helping much on the field, but he will pasteurizing the image of the Falcons just like Matt Ryan.
25. Miami Dolphins – Jeff Gordon – NASCAR driver
Nobody has any idea why the Dolphins made this pick. It is undoubtedly a huge step backwards
26. Baltimore Ravens – Genghis Khan – LB
With an aging defense, the Ravens looked at another renown murderer to replace Ray Lewis. Khan can be a little over-aggressive at times, and is used to fighting on horseback more than on foot, but he has no problem laying the wood on QB’s. His communication will be limited due to the fact that he doesn’t speak english at all, and may experience some culture shock in Baltimore, due to the fact that technology did not exist in his time, but he, like any great leader, will adjust. Peyton Manning will need to keep an eye on this Mongol for the rest of his career, or he will be raped and pillaged.
27. Indianapolis Colts – Claude Monet – WR
Losing Marvin Harrison hurts the team, but Monet, or Claude Money like his friends call him, has soft hands and a creative rout running ability that Peyton Manning will love. Like Da Vinci, everyone has questions about his durability, but if he can stay healthy, he will put up big numbers for the Colts.
28. Philadelphia Eagles – Jon Bon Jovi – CB
Nobody saw this coming, but it makes sense, as he owns the Philadelphia Soul. He knows football and he can sing, but can he run? Yes, and he has fluid hips from banging all those roadies in his touring days. The Giants fans will not be happy to see this guy on the opposing team, but Bon Jovi is just happy to be in the league.
29. New York Giants – Bruce Springsteen – LB
The Giants fans went crazy for this pick. Not only was he born in the USA, but the boss was born to run this Giants defense. When he’s done, there will be blood all over the streets of Philadelphia, and he will take the Giants to the promised land, back to their glory days.
30. Tennessee Titans – Martin Luther King, Jr. – WR
He is being brought in for his athletic ability and great hands, as well as his motivational speaking abilities. The Titans are really hoping that MLK can come in and talk some sense into former star Vince Young, but it will be tough. MLK will be a great player for the team, but I can imagine he is not too fond of playing so close to Memphis.
31. Arizona Cardinals – Nick Lechey – Bench
Arizona selected Lechey in somewhat of a surprise pick because Matt Leinhart really needs a buddy on the bench. And who better than his BFF, Nick Lechey? He can’t play football at all, but he can sing, and dance, and increase morale on the team. Some players are hesitant about this pick, most notably Edgerrin James, who was quoted as saying, “why do we need this 98 degrees faggot on our team”, but Leinhart has assured everyone that he and Lechey will be acquiring sorority hoes for all the players.
32. Pittsburgh Steelers – Paul Bunyan – OL
He’s big, he’s fat, he’s ugly, but he gets the job done. That sounds a lot like the way the Steelers play football. He’s not even real, but the Steelers don’t need anything anyways so it all evens out. If anything, the tough spirit of Paul Bunyan will go into all of the other players and they will all be strength training with oxen and chopping down trees in no time.