Kyrie Irving has demanded a trade from the Cleveland Cavaliers. “The earth is flat,” he said, which may not be how he actually demanded a trade but we can speculate that he threw it in there at some point. Clearly he wants to be the star of a team. What is unclear is that if Kyrie believes stars and planets exist, because of his views on science. If he doesn’t believe the earth rotates around the sun, how can he believe that a basketball team will revolve around him? Also, how does he explain it when the basketball rotates? These are just a few of the many questions GMs face when looking into acquire the talented basketball player.
An unnamed GM had this to say about Kyrie: “Basketball-wise he’s great. Top 5 point guard in the game. But I have a team full of science nerds and it will ruin the locker room chemistry. Hell, Kelly Olynyk is an actual chemist, that’s why I paid him so much money. Shit, I AM NOT THE GM OF THE MIAMI HEAT!”
Kyrie does have some defenders, including Shaquille O’Neal who famously starred in the movies Kazaam and Steel, while also playing professional basketball. Shaq had this to say about the earth; “ I drive from Florida to California all the time, and it’s flat to me. I do not go up and down at a 360-degree angle, and all that stuff about gravity…” Let’s stick with making movies, Shaq.
Speaking of movies, I did get a hold of the spokesperson for the movie Space Jam. They told me that “space and basketball have been intertwined since the 1990s, when we filmed the spectacular events of Space Jam. The idea that one of planet earth’s best basketball players doesn’t even believe in other planets doesn’t sit well for Space Jam 2. Although, I now have an idea to pitch to Warner Bros. about this movie, it could be Lebron James for the good guys and Kyrie Irving could star for the Monstars 2.0!!” Wow, that was a long quote but thank you to the spokesperson for Space Jam for that. Lebron James is set to star in Space Jam 2 directed by Justin Lin of Fast and Furious fame.
Kyrie apparently used air quotes when he described planets. That looks like this on paper, “planets.” So, he doesn’t even believe in the concept of planets, or he does but as a bunch of floating, flat pieces of land. Gregg Popovich, coach of the San Antonio Spurs, was very candid about Irving’s beliefs. Pop didn’t hold back, saying, “if he wants to be a dumb, idiot, that’s his business. I don’t have time for an uneducated ball player stepping on my damn court. Are you kidding me?! Also, I don’t want a shoot first point guard.”
We requested an interview with Kyrie Irving for MyGournal, or a quote, or an email address for his manager or agent, but we received no response. He has stood firm on his belief that the earth is flat, “because it is right in front of our faces. They lie to us.” When he says “they,” he is referring to scientists and people with an education who are gullible enough to believe in science. If we were able to interview Kyrie, he would have likely said something to the effect of “Science has never helped me. That ball court is flat, that backboard is flat, Lebron’s forehead is flat.” I would retort, “yes, but the ball is round, the basket is round and the earth is round.” Kyrie would reply, “I thought this was for ESPN, who the hell are you?” Fair question, Kyrie, but beside the point.
We did get an interview with Phil Jackson and said, “God, I need something to change on this basketball team. I don’t know what I’m doing over here but if we got a guy who can score baskets on the basketball team that’s what we need. Gosh, is it hot in here? Oh boy, I think I’m going to take off my pants now.” Settle down, Phil! He also is no longer the president of the New York Knicks, but apparently that was not made clear to him.
Kyrie may be traded in the coming weeks but it will largely depend on another team’s GM, somewhere on this planet, who will simply ignore Kyrie’s beliefs or actually agrees with him. I would say he could end up on the disgraced Monstars from Space Jam but he would have to believe that other planets and aliens exist first.