Who will be the next coach of US Men’s soccer?

As the higher-ups look to put a baby Aspirin in the gaping wound that is the US Men’s National Team, we will look at some likely and unlikely candidates for the US manager position. They pick the interim manager tomorrow, and it looks like it’s going to be Tab Ramos, so we’ll start with him. 


Tab Ramos – He has the best name of the group, except for maybe Tata, and he’s been with the national team for a while already. That means he understands how unexceptional the USMNT needs to be. Really, he good be a good hometown pick. He knows the younger players well, and as a former player for the US, he’s got the passion.


Landon Donovan – Just kidding.


Laurent Blanc – He almost has a girls name, but we won’t hold that against him. If he becomes the US manager, some will though. With his international background for club and country, managing and playing, he brings something that we haven’t had in years. Since Jurgen. I think we need that though, and he has some proven success.


Patrick Viera – The former Arsenal captain is different than most candidates in that he has a strong international connection, mixed with a strong knowledge in the US, mixed with an actual boy’s name. I think he’d be a great manager for the US team, as he knows the MLS well, but has international experience that most others do not have. He’s young and motivated to take his career to the next step.


Sam Allardyce – The greatest England manager of all time, Big Sam, has been frozen out after his little 2016 fiasco. He does have a 100 percent winning record internationally, in spite of his (not) SUPPOSED malfeasance. I think he’d be much more cutthroat than managers in the past with our team, which we definitely need. It would be nice to have a manager who isn’t okay starting the same underperforming players for 5 years straight, and I think Allardyce is someone who would do that.


Gerardo “Tata” Martino – A very intriguing prospect to coach the USA. He’s done amazing things so far in his time in Atlanta and has stated that the US needs to focus on player development, which I really like. He managed Barcelona, so he’s obviously good enough for our national team, and with his propensity towards developing youth, he’d be a really interesting choice.


Bob Bradley – I like Bob, but more Bob means more of the same.


Bruce Arena – He’ll be hired as the interim, then hired again as the actual coach after being fired as the interim. And it will be an endless cycle that goes on forever.


Sunil Gulati – He’s going to hire himself as the manager before he’s dropped. It only makes sense.


My choice – Whoever Cristian Pulisic wants.




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