Category Archives: Movies

Trading Kyrie Irving Difficult because of Science?

Kyrie Irving has demanded a trade from the Cleveland Cavaliers. “The earth is flat,” he said, which may not be how he actually demanded a trade but we can speculate that he threw it in there at some point. Clearly he wants to be the star of a team. What is unclear is that if Kyrie believes stars and planets exist, because of his views on science. If he doesn’t believe the earth rotates around the sun, how can he believe that a basketball team will revolve around him? Also, how does he explain it when the basketball rotates? These are just a few of the many questions GMs face when looking into acquire the talented basketball player.

flatttt

An unnamed GM had this to say about Kyrie: “Basketball-wise he’s great. Top 5 point guard in the game. But I have a team full of science nerds and it will ruin the locker room chemistry. Hell, Kelly Olynyk is an actual chemist, that’s why I paid him so much money. Shit, I AM NOT THE GM OF THE MIAMI HEAT!”

Kyrie does have some defenders, including Shaquille O’Neal who famously starred in the movies Kazaam and Steel, while also playing professional basketball. Shaq had this to say about the earth; “ I drive from Florida to California all the time, and it’s flat to me. I do not go up and down at a 360-degree angle, and all that stuff about gravity…” Let’s stick with making movies, Shaq.

Speaking of movies, I did get a hold of the spokesperson for the movie Space Jam. They told me that “space and basketball have been intertwined since the 1990s, when we filmed the spectacular events of Space Jam. The idea that one of planet earth’s best basketball players doesn’t even believe in other planets doesn’t sit well for Space Jam 2. Although, I now have an idea to pitch to Warner Bros. about this movie, it could be Lebron James for the good guys and Kyrie Irving could star for the Monstars 2.0!!” Wow, that was a long quote but thank you to the spokesperson for Space Jam for that. Lebron James is set to star in Space Jam 2 directed by Justin Lin of Fast and Furious fame.

spacejam

Kyrie apparently used air quotes when he described planets. That looks like this on paper, “planets.” So, he doesn’t even believe in the concept of planets, or he does but as a bunch of floating, flat pieces of land. Gregg Popovich, coach of the San Antonio Spurs, was very candid about Irving’s beliefs. Pop didn’t hold back, saying, “if he wants to be a dumb, idiot, that’s his business. I don’t have time for an uneducated ball player stepping on my damn court. Are you kidding me?! Also, I don’t want a shoot first point guard.”

We requested an interview with Kyrie Irving for MyGournal, or a quote, or an email address for his manager or agent, but we received no response. He has stood firm on his belief that the earth is flat, “because it is right in front of our faces. They lie to us.” When he says “they,” he is referring to scientists and people with an education who are gullible enough to believe in science. If we were able to interview Kyrie, he would have likely said something to the effect of “Science has never helped me. That ball court is flat, that backboard is flat, Lebron’s forehead is flat.” I would retort, “yes, but the ball is round, the basket is round and the earth is round.” Kyrie would reply, “I thought this was for ESPN, who the hell are you?” Fair question, Kyrie, but beside the point.

We did get an interview with Phil Jackson and said, “God, I need something to change on this basketball team. I don’t know what I’m doing over here but if we got a guy who can score baskets on the basketball team that’s what we need. Gosh, is it hot in here? Oh boy, I think I’m going to take off my pants now.” Settle down, Phil! He also is no longer the president of the New York Knicks, but apparently that was not made clear to him.

Kyrie may be traded in the coming weeks but it will largely depend on another team’s GM, somewhere on this planet, who will simply ignore Kyrie’s beliefs or actually agrees with him. I would say he could end up on the disgraced Monstars from Space Jam but he would have to believe that other planets and aliens exist first.

CGIF

When the critically acclaimed Avatar hit theaters at midnight on Thursday, the CGI (computer-generated imagery) world was set aflame like the forests of the blue aliens that occupy this beautiful world. Many people claim that the amazing world that James Cameron has created will change the cinema industry forever, but to me, there have been greater benchmarks in the CGIndustry that have already happened. This list compiles some of the most amazing CGIn films.

1. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008)

“I hate Mummies!” Until I saw this film. The CGI in this film really was legendary. Director Rob Cohen CGI’d Brendan Fraser in the entire movie, but no one even noticed. They noticed that he was more sarcastic and witty than any of his films since Bedazzled, but they didn’t notice that he wore a green suit for the entire movie. Cohen said, “Fraser had been complaining about all of the costume changes and the real danger that he went through in chasing mummies in the first two films (where they didn’t use and CGI). I thought we could take this franchise to a whole new level by using a CGBF (Computer Generated Brendan Fraser).” Some say that Cohen’s genius in creating a CGBF for the Mummy 3 inspired Cameron to make Avatar.


CGI Fraser

CGI-less Fraser

2. Deep Blue Sea (1999)

Bigger, Smarter, Faster, Meaner. That’s the tag-line for this blockbuster hit, but no one thought it would encompass this film the way it did.

Bigger – This film has the biggest shark to ever hit the screen, it makes Jaws look like little Nemo.

Smarter – The writers of this film, Duncan Kennedy and the Powers team (Donna and Wayne), could not have created a smarter script for the who’s who of Hollywood stars in this film.

Faster – The film was made in 3 weeks, the fastest major motion picture in history.

Meaner – The CGI’d shark in the film was really, really mean. Probably meaner than any other ocean-dwelling actor since Ursula from the Little Mermaid.

3. Bicentennial Man (1999)

1999 was an amazing year for films, but none were better than the Android Robin Williams in Bicentennial Man. If you ever wondered what Robin Williams looked like as a woman, Ms. Doubtfire was your film, but if you’re like me and you wondered what he’d look like as a robot, this movie was for you. It was the first movie created that used robotics in Robin Williams form, and it also introduced robot bigotry. Everyone hated robots after this movie was made. It was a huge step backwards in the progress of robots in society, especially since Short Circuit was created. It took the movie Artificial Intelligence, starring Haley Joel Osment as a boy robot, to bring the robot rights movement back to prominence.

Bicentennial Man

4. Roland Emmerich – Any film he’s done

Emmerich is the master of CGD (computer generated destruction) with films like 2012, 10,000 B.C., The Day After Tomorrow, Godzilla (the Matthew Broderick one), and Independence Day. These high grossing films have made trillions of dollars, but none had the CGQ (computer generated quality) of Universal Soldier, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren.

5.The Whole Nine Yards (2000)

Finally, the greatest CG-Creation. Most would not guess but the film The Whole Nine Yards, starring Bruce Willis and Matthew Perry, is entirely computer generated. The comedy may be real, but the visual effects are so stunning, that not one person can tell it isn’t real acting. The reason it was done by computers is because Matthew Perry is a CGP (Computer Generated Person), meaning, he isn’t real. All of his acting is CGI and the voice acting is done by little known actor Scot Darlymple. It’s still the biggest secret in Hollywood.

The Fresh Prinze of Hollywood

FreddieWhen you think of great actors, 3 names come to mind; Daniel Day Lewis, Gene Hackman, and Reginald VelJohnson. For most people, they recognize Reginald’s work from Family Matters as the warm and loving father Carl Winslow, who happens to get mad at Steven Urkel from time to time, because Steven can get into some pretty sticky situations. In the episode entitled, “The Gun”, Laura gets scared about a female gang at school and wants to get a gun, but Steven Urkel begs her to reconsider her decision, according to IMDB and anyone who watched the episode. It was a heartwarming episode about a family trying to get by in Chicago, but thats not what this story is about. In that episode, a star emerged from the role of “tough guy.” In an interview with JoMarie Payton, the actress who played Harriette Winslow, she discussed tough guy. “You could tell he had what it takes to make it in Hollywood. His chemistry with Darius McCrary (Eddie Winslow) was unbelievable.” Well most people come and go on Family Matters, or go on to do work on shows like Step by Step, “the pornography of the sitcom industry” as Jaleel White (Steven Urkel)  calls it, but not this young man. This young man turned out to be Freddie Prinze Jr., but his star was not always this bright.

Growing up in Luxembourg, the capital of Luxembourg, Prince Guillaume lived a posh life. “I could pretty much do whatever I wanted,” said Prinze, “Being a prince is a lot like acting in the movie, ‘A Kid in King Arthur’s Court’ starring Thomas Ian Nicholas (Rookie of the Year), or ‘Black Knight’ starring Martin Lawrence (Martin).” I loved doing the everyday prince stuff, but sometimes I used to think there might be more to the world than Luxembourg, and I mean outside of Diekirch and Grevenmacher. It took FPJ almost 15 years to realize there was more to the world than Luxembourg City. He lived a sheltered life inside his giant castle. “I would mostly study ancient scrolls, make potions, and sword fight, but sometimes I like to ride horses and joust. I was the jousting champion of Luxembourg for two years.” His life was great, but one day the evil sorcerer, Raymond the Unjust, used a potion to convince the King to have Guillaume marry his disgusting and equally unjust daughter, Stevie Nicks (who coincidentally has a song named “Sorcerer”). Guillaume was trapped between a rock and an unjust future wife, but he escaped from Luxembourg, as difficult as that may be in modern times. He made his way to the only place he knew in America, Hollywood.

Prince Guillaume arrived in Charleston, South Carolina and made his way to Hollywood, South Carolina, not realizing it wasn’t the same one for another 3 months. He promptly made his way to Hollywood, California, as it is easy to travel across the country with a backpack filled with the rarest of Luxembourg jewels. 2 weeks, 4 rubies, and 12 ruby tuesdays later, he was in Hollywood. The day he arrived there was the very same day he met his future best friend, and long lost older brother, actor Matthew Lillard. “I saw him, and I knew right away what had happened. That dick, sorcerer Raymond, tried the same bullshit with me” said Lillard. “I told Guillaume that he needed to change his name so the sorcerer wouldn’t find him, so he picked Freddie Prinze, Jr.”  The reunited brothers tore through Hollywood, making amazing film after amazing film together, such as Scooby Doo, Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, Wing Commander, Summer Catch, and the critically acclaimed “She’s All That.” Co-star Rachael Leigh Cook describes Freddy and Matthew, as “the best brother duo that I’ve ever worked with” and that is saying a lot, since she has worked with the Thompson brothers in a performance of “Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat” during high school in Minneapolis, Minnesota. It was said to be one of the top 3 performances at this local theater.

Freddie could be seen rubbing elbows with some of Hollywoods most famous 3 name people, like Sarah Michelle Gellar, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Seann William Scott, and David Hyde Pierce. “Dr. Niles Crayne (DHP) was my favorite person to chill out and relax with, besides my brother obviously. I used to call him that all the time, and he thought it was hilarious,” said Prinze.  Life was good, but one day, on the set of “Summer Catch” Freddie and Matthew Lillard were goofing around, when sorcerer Raymond the Unjust appeared. He took a poison arrow out and shot it at Freddie with the Bow of Fortitude, the most accurate Bow in all of Luxembourg. Luckily, Matthew Lillard is the fastest person in the history of Luxembourg and pushed Freddie out of the way in time, saving his brother, while also sealing his own fate. The arrow struck Lillard in the wrist, but was too dull to pierce his strong Luxembourgian skin. The poison however, caused Lillard to have a mild case of carpal-tunnels syndrome in his wrist, making it difficult, but not impossible, to operate a computer on a regular basis. The good news was that sorcerer Raymond the Unjust learned a valuable lesson that day about friendship and brotherhood, and changed his name to Pierre Joris and is renown for his lymrics and poetry all across Luxembourg.