Category Archives: sports

Rory’s Round-up: Week 2

The best part about watching EPL games at your parents house (as a 32 year old) is that you get to eat chocolate chip pancakes while you watch soccer. And that they love you too. Mostly pancakes though. Here are the games I watched!

 

Manchester United 4 – Swansea 0

There’s good news and bad news for the Swans this week. The good is that they are way richer and they only have to play United once more. The bad is that they lost their best player, don’t have a replacement, teams will overcharge them for anyone, and got thrashed by the league’s top team. It was close for most of the game, but Swansea couldn’t keep it going, giving up 3 goals in the span of 4 minutes. When Manchester United have it going, they look so unstoppable right now. If they stay injury free, they’ll be really tough to beat.

 

Liverpool 1 – Crystal Palace 0

I have no idea how Liverpool got a clean sheet, but Palace looked pretty anemic going forward. They played more like a shitty Chinese restaurant than a shiny castle. They really missed Zaha on the wing, it was pretty obvious. Benteke missed an easy chance to go up, but other than that, Palace didn’t have much. Liverpool, on the other hand, actually looked solid at the back for most of the game. With a mostly new back line, Andrew Robertson really shined going forward (although I’d like to see him play defense. Mane saved the day and was the best player on the field yet again. The only real negative for Liverpool was the midfield. They were pretty invisible and uninspiring most of the game. Klopp was pleased though, and so am I.

 

Stoke 1 – Arsenal 0

I only caught part of the game because a guy has got to tan, but it sounded pretty funny. Arsenal failed to capitalize on all the momentum they built in the last 5 minutes of the previous game. Typical.

 

Huddersfield 1 – Newcastle 0

This wasn’t a great game, but I like the way Huddersfield play. They play fast and run a lot. If they can keep it up over the whole season, they have a decent shot of staying up. Newcastle looked more like Oldcastle, because they were unimpressive and looked to be going down. They really missed Jonjo’s fun antics this game.

 

Chelsea 2 – Tottenham 1

This was a really fun game, in spite of me wanting Spurs to win the whole time. Marcos Alonso scored a goal that rivals his hair in personal beauty, and his second was more like David Luiz’s hair. Meaning crazy. Lloris should’ve probably done better on it (but the defense left him out to dry). Michy Batshuyai scored, but for the wrong team, which makes sense for him. I hope he can get it right one day. It was a good result for Chelsea, and I’m sure Spurs will feel like they should’ve done better with their chances.

 

Manchester City 1 – Everton 1

Rooooooooooooooooooooooooney! Everton played really well again, but a poor clearance by Mason Holgate got City back in. It could’ve gone either way and I think this was a fair result. Rooney though, he can’t be stopped.

Rory’s Round-up: Week 1

I hate getting up early. Maybe as much as I hate bigotry, or popcorn. One reason I will get up early is for Premier League soccer, and also work. Here’s my take on the games I was able to catch this weekend.

Arsenal 4 – Leicester 3

This was a really fun game to watch for many reasons. One, it’s hilarious to see Wenger’s reactions to his team failing. And it was the typical crap turnovers and poor defending that his team has been known for over the past 100 seasons. Second, there were so many goals. Lacazette started the action off the action early on, but Leicester came back at them fast with goals from Okazaki and Vardy. Arsenal were good to get one back right before halftime through Welbeck. More excitement came later on after Vardy put Leicester ahead, until Arsenal got two back in dramatic fashion for the win.

Both teams had similar defensive problems. They both looked like good competitive teams with some work to do at the back. I was really impressed with both attacks. Iheanacho barely played, and as soon as they get him more involved they could get even better. Welbeck and Lacazetter were really dangerous up front as well, so if they can stay healthy, I see them finishing pretty high.

 

Liverpool 3 – Watford 3

This was the most typical Liverpool game ever played. Goalkeeping blunders? Check. Suspect defense? So many checks. Shit on set pieces? Checks again. Dropped points in stoppage time? Obviously. The positives were that Salah and Mane looked really good. Firmino was good in attack too, even with his (and the other defenders) not marking on the first goal.

Coutinho would’ve helped, but I have to put this mostly on Klopp and Liverpool’s brass. They haven’t addressed the team’s defensive needs at all. Lovren shouldn’t be starting on a championship calibre team, nor should Moreno. They have no creative replacement in midfield for Coutinho, so I’m worried about Liverpool if they don’t do any more business before the summer window ends. It doesn’t look great for them, and Watford weren’t an especially talented team.

 

Everton 1 – Stoke 0 

King Rooney hath returned! I kid about his influence, but he actually looked really good. Everton’s defense was pretty strong overall, and Jordan Pickford was probably the player of the game for me. He’ll be a steal at that price if he plays like he did today. On Stoke’s side, Shaqiri should’ve been sent off for his elbow on Baines in the 48th minute. He was a little shit all game, diving around and yelling at his teammates. He played like Ronaldo if he was 4 feet shorter and significantly less skilled. He had a nice shot at the end of the game, but Pickford got a good hand to it.

 

Manchester United 4 – West Ham 0

Manchester United were scary good this game. Their passing was great and Lukaku looked excellent up front. If I had done my predictions after seeing this game, I would’ve picked them first or second probable. This team will definitely be tough to beat.

 

Premiership Predictions!

As it is EPL Eve, we’ve decided to drop our first Premiership Predictions. In order to make it more exciting, we’ve done it in reverse order. So either scroll to the bottom to see who we say the champions will be, or read all of it. Soccer time!

The Droppers

20. Huddersfield – Their jerseys were so bright last year that they had to be promoted. Now, they have regular colors, so their opponents won’t be afraid they’re made of lasers. This will not help them at all. The American effect will help the Terriers, but Wagner (Klopp’s BFF) and Danny Williams can only do so much. Prediction: Bottom of the table, unless they bring back their laser jerseys.soccer14

 

19. Brighton and Hove Albion – They only lost 2-3 to Atletico Madrid in a friendly, so based on that, they’ll finish in a European qualifying position. In reality, they won’t. They’re a great story and I’d love for them to stay up, but I just can’t see it happening. Prediction: Relegation and Battle Albion.soccer15

18. Burnley – Sean Dyche looks like a villain from a Jason Statham movie. And he uses that to intimidate oppositions at Turf Moor. It usually works, but I think it’ll be a tough season without his best henchman (Michael Keane) and best homophobe (Andre Gray). Prediction: It’ll be a street fight, but Burnley has to play against better-looking, stronger, faster Jason Stathams all season. RelegationBlackburn Rovers v Burnley - npower Championship

 

The Boring Bottom Half

17. Swansea – There was only one person responsible for keeping Swansea up last year, and it wasn’t Paul Clement. It was the Norse God Gylfi himself, who was seemingly responsible for every goal or assist they had last season. They haven’t strengthened their team a lot, and if a team meets their demands and Gylfi leaves, that means they’ll probably score 6 goals this season. All own goals. Prediction: They’ll be lucky to stay up.

soccer5

16. Watford – They bought some cool young players, but they’re pretty unproven in the premiership. And the rest of the team was pretty poor last year. If English Drake comes back and scores a ton of goals, that would help, and they have a good manager, but it seems like their team had a lot of issues. Prediction: The yellowest jerseys in the league, and barely surviving relegation.soccer16

15. Newcastle United – Tactical genius Rafa Benitez mixed with future and present American hair and soccer superstar, DeAndre Yedlin, means that Newcastle are primed for success. Rafa has an equally big book of tactics, rivaled only by Pep Guardiola, so if he manages to use them correctly, Newcastle could do decently. Prediction: Bottom half, but survivors!soccer6

14. Stoke City – Stoke are like West Brom, in that they are very boring. And they lost their best attacker in Arnautovic. They have to rely on Joe Allen and that angry little guy on their team too much, on the other hand, they have a lot of short talent. Zouma is good on loan there but I don’t see them doing that well. Prediction: A lot of draws.soccer17

13. West Brom – They are the most boring successful team (if you call finishing near mid-table success) in the history of the game. If there were a championship for long balls and set pieces, they would do really well. I don’t get it, but they just never seem to give up many goals. Maybe their pitch is muddier than the rest, or has a lot of grass clumps. I can’t explain it. Prediction: Their first pass will be a clearance.soccer13

 

The Middle Men

12. Crystal Palace – This team’s signings would make any Football Manager fan happy, with Jairo Riedewald and Ruben Loftus-Cheek. They have some real quality in attack with Benteke and Zaha, but this team looked like they were going to lose every game last year for a long time. Unless they have a huge influx of cash from a rapper who thinks this is a champagne company and they buy some good defenders, maybe then they’ll do better. Prediction: 459 nutmegs by Zaha this season.soccer23

11. Leicester – Somehow, they’ve still managed to keep together most of their championship winning team. Not that it helped them a lot last year. Kelechi Iheanacho could be a huge signing for them now that he’s going to be playing more regularly, but I don’t know about this team. Slimani, Vardy, and Kelechi is a really good attack, but they’re getting old in the back. Prediction: Better than last year.soccer8

10. Southampton – They’ve gone from a selling club to a selling club who won’t sell anymore. They’re obviously not a feeder club for Liverpool anymore, so the team is up for grabs. They have some really quality players in attack and if van Dijk stays, they’ll have a solid squad. He wants to go though, and it’ll be tough to keep him. Prediction: They’ll sell half the team to West Ham next season.soccer11

9. Bournemouth – The Cherries are a seriously cool team. The coolest cherry based team around. Nathan Ake was a great signing and based on his reverse-aging soccer career, Jermain Defoe probably will be too. If they hold on to the least Norwegian player ever, Joshua King, they could have a really good attack. Prediction: Cherries on the top! Half of the table.

soccer9

8. West Ham – I don’t want to put them this high, but they’re a pretty strong team. They haven’t really lost much, and they’ve added Arnautovic, JOE HART, and Chicharito. You’re supposed to yell JOE HART’s name when you say or read it. They have a really big and fast team, but JOE HART will let in some real howlers, as usual. Prediction: A lot of tunnel yelling from JOE HART.soccer10

 

The Challengers

7. Everton – The savior has returned! Rooney is back, and with more hair than he had as a 15 year old. The Toffees actually made some good moves this summer by getting Keane, Pickford, and Klaassen, but losing Lukaku will be big hole to fill. Literally and figuratively. They could sign the next biggest striker, Giroud, but his hair is too beautiful. I say go for Crouch, he’ll at least make up for the height. Prediction: Seventh place, and Crouch is seven feet tall. Also, I predict that Rooney will NOT equal Lukaku’s goal total.

soccer18

6. Arsenal – Will he stay or will he go? We’re talking about Alexis Sanchez, of course. And if you read this later in the season, obviously Arsene Wenger. The Gunners depend too much on a guy who looks like he doesn’t try (Ozil), and a guy who wants to leave more than anything (Sanchez). I love Lacazette, but I don’t know if he’ll be enough to take them back into the top four, especially with the uncertainty around Alexis. Prediction: 24 season ending injuries and a sixth place finish.soccer19

5. Liverpool – I want Liverpool to win the league, and they could BUT there are a lot of buts with this team. And butts too. If Coutinho goes, they won’t make the top 4, they just can’t compete if they lose half of the pearliest white smile tandem of Phil and Firmino. AND they didn’t sign a CB, which besides left back, was their biggest problem. They haven’t really addressed either position well. Salah looks great, and with Mane on the wing, they will score a ton, but they will definitely drop points if they don’t sign a top center back to start ahead of Lovren. Every Liverpool fan will be just waiting for the dumb injury time equalizers by Watford and Brighton. Prediction: It hurts me, but they will probably finish outside the top 4. Lower if they lose Coutinho, higher if they sign a top notch CB.soccer7

 

The Top Four

4. Chelsea – They’ll be without Eden “The Garden” Hazard for a little while, but the real loss is not getting to see Diego Costa’s antics on the pitch. Morata should fill in well now that he has actual players passing to him, and Chelsea’s defense will be amazing with Bakayoko (when he comes back), Rudiger, and another potential central back coming in. My biggest worry for them is how they’ll fare at the beginning of the season. They lost a lot of leadership and Conte doesn’t seem very happy for some reason. Maybe he never really is. Prediction: A lot of yelling from Antonio Conte, and a lot of wins. Not champions again though. They’ve lost a lot and there’s a great chance that Conte will just decide to quit midseason.soccer20

3. Manchester United – They’ve spent so, so, so, so much money the last two years. They must be good, right?! Probably, yes. Dancing partners and BFFs Paul Pogba and Romelu Lukaku have been UNITED finally, and although I dream of their future partnership in the MLS for one of the Los Angeles team, they’re going to be very dangerous this year. Unless defensive tactician and interpersonal relationship mastermind Jose Mourinho somehow decides to employ the both of them at central D, which isn’t out of the realm of possibility. Prediction: Third place, three hundred million spent on Gareth Bale next season, and a new physio team after Jose blames them for his first loss this season.soccer2

2. Manchester City – More money! Bigger signings! More wing backs! They’ve signed some expensive guys this offseason, and on paper, they should be very good. They’ll probably look amazing for a month or two this season, but then have a full month of being bad. Pep is probably tied for Mourinho for being in the hottest possible seat, so a lot will depend on the beginning of the season. Will they sign Alexis or Mbappe? Maybe. They don’t really need to with Gabriel Jesus and Kun. Will Stones and Otamendi play? Definitely, and they’ll give up a lot of goals. Kompany staying healthy could be huge for them, but we’ll see. Prediction: Forty more signings this offseason, but they have way too many top-notch players to not come close to the title.soccer21

 

The Champs! Finally!

1. Tottenham – Tottenham’s transfer policy of not buying anyone is brilliant. Sell Kyle Walker? Bring up Kyle Walker-Peters. In reality, I think it’s only because they don’t really need anyone. They need to buy a backup striker and some other guys to rotate, but not much. Eventually the players will pull a Kyle Walker and go on to fairer and richer pastures, but for now, the kids stay together. Unlike their big money compatriots, they have a team that’s mostly played together for three seasons now, and that could make a real difference. Prediction: No St. Totteringham’s Day this year. Champions!soccer22

 

We’re probably going to be way off on these, but maybe not! Thanks for reading.

Trading Kyrie Irving Difficult because of Science?

Kyrie Irving has demanded a trade from the Cleveland Cavaliers. “The earth is flat,” he said, which may not be how he actually demanded a trade but we can speculate that he threw it in there at some point. Clearly he wants to be the star of a team. What is unclear is that if Kyrie believes stars and planets exist, because of his views on science. If he doesn’t believe the earth rotates around the sun, how can he believe that a basketball team will revolve around him? Also, how does he explain it when the basketball rotates? These are just a few of the many questions GMs face when looking into acquire the talented basketball player.

flatttt

An unnamed GM had this to say about Kyrie: “Basketball-wise he’s great. Top 5 point guard in the game. But I have a team full of science nerds and it will ruin the locker room chemistry. Hell, Kelly Olynyk is an actual chemist, that’s why I paid him so much money. Shit, I AM NOT THE GM OF THE MIAMI HEAT!”

Kyrie does have some defenders, including Shaquille O’Neal who famously starred in the movies Kazaam and Steel, while also playing professional basketball. Shaq had this to say about the earth; “ I drive from Florida to California all the time, and it’s flat to me. I do not go up and down at a 360-degree angle, and all that stuff about gravity…” Let’s stick with making movies, Shaq.

Speaking of movies, I did get a hold of the spokesperson for the movie Space Jam. They told me that “space and basketball have been intertwined since the 1990s, when we filmed the spectacular events of Space Jam. The idea that one of planet earth’s best basketball players doesn’t even believe in other planets doesn’t sit well for Space Jam 2. Although, I now have an idea to pitch to Warner Bros. about this movie, it could be Lebron James for the good guys and Kyrie Irving could star for the Monstars 2.0!!” Wow, that was a long quote but thank you to the spokesperson for Space Jam for that. Lebron James is set to star in Space Jam 2 directed by Justin Lin of Fast and Furious fame.

spacejam

Kyrie apparently used air quotes when he described planets. That looks like this on paper, “planets.” So, he doesn’t even believe in the concept of planets, or he does but as a bunch of floating, flat pieces of land. Gregg Popovich, coach of the San Antonio Spurs, was very candid about Irving’s beliefs. Pop didn’t hold back, saying, “if he wants to be a dumb, idiot, that’s his business. I don’t have time for an uneducated ball player stepping on my damn court. Are you kidding me?! Also, I don’t want a shoot first point guard.”

We requested an interview with Kyrie Irving for MyGournal, or a quote, or an email address for his manager or agent, but we received no response. He has stood firm on his belief that the earth is flat, “because it is right in front of our faces. They lie to us.” When he says “they,” he is referring to scientists and people with an education who are gullible enough to believe in science. If we were able to interview Kyrie, he would have likely said something to the effect of “Science has never helped me. That ball court is flat, that backboard is flat, Lebron’s forehead is flat.” I would retort, “yes, but the ball is round, the basket is round and the earth is round.” Kyrie would reply, “I thought this was for ESPN, who the hell are you?” Fair question, Kyrie, but beside the point.

We did get an interview with Phil Jackson and said, “God, I need something to change on this basketball team. I don’t know what I’m doing over here but if we got a guy who can score baskets on the basketball team that’s what we need. Gosh, is it hot in here? Oh boy, I think I’m going to take off my pants now.” Settle down, Phil! He also is no longer the president of the New York Knicks, but apparently that was not made clear to him.

Kyrie may be traded in the coming weeks but it will largely depend on another team’s GM, somewhere on this planet, who will simply ignore Kyrie’s beliefs or actually agrees with him. I would say he could end up on the disgraced Monstars from Space Jam but he would have to believe that other planets and aliens exist first.

Mygournal Sandwich Shop

Historically, sandwiches have been linked with athletes since the beginning of time. From Lawrence Taylor’s B.L.T. to the Reuben (invented by running back Reuben Droughns), athletically-named sandwiches have been a staple in the diets of American citizens. Here at the Mygournal Sandwich Shop, we have created some fictional and not so fictional sandwiches for the viewing and tasting public. Enjoy, but eat with care.

The Jake Delhommewich – A delicious sandwich with aged meats and cheeses, but the only problem is it’s expensive. It costs $42.50 and when you order it, it will most likely be given to someone at a different table.

The Ben Roethlisberger Burger – The burger will undoubtedly make you fatter and grow a chinstrap beard. It tastes like you’re eating concrete after you fell off a motorcycle. Not a recommended sandwich.

The Matt Leinhart Black Bean Sandwich – This sandwich is full of beans and so is Matt Leinhart.

The JaMarcus Russell  Roast Beef Sandwich- The picture on the menu makes this sandwich look like it is a top choice sandwich, but once you taste it, you will instantly regret ordering it. An expensive sandwich that tastes exactly like shit.

The Joe Namath Kebab- A great snack after a night or day of binge drinking. This old time favorite also really hits the spot after sexually harassing young women. Order this street meat and win, I guarantee it.

The Eli Manning Turkey Sandwich- Not the best sandwich in the world but can often be the best sandwich on the menu. Sometimes it comes out great but most of the time you can barely take a bite. If the Peyton Manning Ham sandwich is available, it is advisable to order it instead.

The Vince Young Chicken Salad Sandwich- This is a great sandwich when your on the run. If you’re not in a rush or have a normal I.Q. then this sandwich isn’t for you. It is imporant to note that the Vince Young is made from bread then has a tendency to crumble with pressure is applied, so eat it with great care.

The Tim Tebow Club Sandwich- Best sandwich on the planet. You couldn’t fit any more meat in between two pieces of white bread. I’d bet Tebow’s Christian faith that this sandwich will make you praise the lord for creating such a fantastic blend of meat and bread.

The Philly Vick-Steak – A delicious blend of Provolone cheese and lean dog meat.

The Mark Sanchez Breakfast Burrito – You would think this sandwich is authentic mexican food when ordering it, but the meat is actually just good old American Hot Dog mixed with scrambled eggs, because sometimes Sanchez has egg on his face from his rookie mistakes.

The Brett Favre Ham and Cheese – The meat in this sandwich went rotten a long time ago, but people still seem to order it. This is definitely the most polarized sandwich, as people either love it or hate it, but eating it will undoubtedly make you sick eventually.

The Brady Quinn American Cheese Sandwich – All American like Brady Quinn, and all cheese like Brady Quinn. All this guy does is smile for the camera, and like Quinn, the sandwich never gets ordered. Well, Brady loves the sandwich, but no one else seems to.

JaMarcus Russell

Goodbye Gator Nation

Dear fans,

Tim Tebow here, it’s been a long and crazy journey, hasn’t it? Time flew by, but we sure had a lot of fun. First and foremost, I want to apologize for the 6 losses and 16 interceptions in my career. I made a  promise to my fans earlier in my career, so I’m going to leave you with a little farewell promise. NO ONE will be better than me, NO ONE will try harder than me, NO ONE will have more chiseled features than me, NO ONE will worship god like me, and NO ONE will ever be stronger and break more tackles than me. THAT’S A TIM TEBOW GUARANTEE. So now my fans, I leave you with a video that my mom and dad made me for christmas. It includes my favorite college moments, and some surprise cameos by my favorite celebrities. I hope you enjoy, GOD BLESS.

-Tim Tebow

The State of USA Soccer

Today I watched the USA soccer game versus Brazil. I am appalled by the results and even more by the coaching and performances of some of the players. Bob Bradley is a bad coach. He has no idea what he’s doing out there, and hasn’t learned from any of his mistakes. He’s been starting and giving significant minutes to DeMarcus Beasley for the past year, and Beasley has been horrible. He’s a liability on defense, and he never does anything on offense anymore either. Bradley needs to stop playing favorites and try something new, because I’m getting tired of watching this played-out story. We’re always so close to winning, but almost doesn’t count unless it’s horseshoes and hand grenades. Bradley needs to shape up or he will find himself coaching the Chicago Fire soon. 

We have all the players to succeed, thats why its so angering to watch this team keep getting mediocre results. Adu should be playing all the time, bring back some of the young players and give them a chance because all of Bradley’s and Arenas’ “Old Guard” have never performed and are still failing. It’s time to make the changes, and number one is getting rid of Bob Bradley and getting a real coach.