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Rory’s Round-up: Week 1

I hate getting up early. Maybe as much as I hate bigotry, or popcorn. One reason I will get up early is for Premier League soccer, and also work. Here’s my take on the games I was able to catch this weekend.

Arsenal 4 – Leicester 3

This was a really fun game to watch for many reasons. One, it’s hilarious to see Wenger’s reactions to his team failing. And it was the typical crap turnovers and poor defending that his team has been known for over the past 100 seasons. Second, there were so many goals. Lacazette started the action off the action early on, but Leicester came back at them fast with goals from Okazaki and Vardy. Arsenal were good to get one back right before halftime through Welbeck. More excitement came later on after Vardy put Leicester ahead, until Arsenal got two back in dramatic fashion for the win.

Both teams had similar defensive problems. They both looked like good competitive teams with some work to do at the back. I was really impressed with both attacks. Iheanacho barely played, and as soon as they get him more involved they could get even better. Welbeck and Lacazetter were really dangerous up front as well, so if they can stay healthy, I see them finishing pretty high.


Liverpool 3 – Watford 3

This was the most typical Liverpool game ever played. Goalkeeping blunders? Check. Suspect defense? So many checks. Shit on set pieces? Checks again. Dropped points in stoppage time? Obviously. The positives were that Salah and Mane looked really good. Firmino was good in attack too, even with his (and the other defenders) not marking on the first goal.

Coutinho would’ve helped, but I have to put this mostly on Klopp and Liverpool’s brass. They haven’t addressed the team’s defensive needs at all. Lovren shouldn’t be starting on a championship calibre team, nor should Moreno. They have no creative replacement in midfield for Coutinho, so I’m worried about Liverpool if they don’t do any more business before the summer window ends. It doesn’t look great for them, and Watford weren’t an especially talented team.


Everton 1 – Stoke 0 

King Rooney hath returned! I kid about his influence, but he actually looked really good. Everton’s defense was pretty strong overall, and Jordan Pickford was probably the player of the game for me. He’ll be a steal at that price if he plays like he did today. On Stoke’s side, Shaqiri should’ve been sent off for his elbow on Baines in the 48th minute. He was a little shit all game, diving around and yelling at his teammates. He played like Ronaldo if he was 4 feet shorter and significantly less skilled. He had a nice shot at the end of the game, but Pickford got a good hand to it.


Manchester United 4 – West Ham 0

Manchester United were scary good this game. Their passing was great and Lukaku looked excellent up front. If I had done my predictions after seeing this game, I would’ve picked them first or second probable. This team will definitely be tough to beat.



Trading Kyrie Irving Difficult because of Science?

Kyrie Irving has demanded a trade from the Cleveland Cavaliers. “The earth is flat,” he said, which may not be how he actually demanded a trade but we can speculate that he threw it in there at some point. Clearly he wants to be the star of a team. What is unclear is that if Kyrie believes stars and planets exist, because of his views on science. If he doesn’t believe the earth rotates around the sun, how can he believe that a basketball team will revolve around him? Also, how does he explain it when the basketball rotates? These are just a few of the many questions GMs face when looking into acquire the talented basketball player.


An unnamed GM had this to say about Kyrie: “Basketball-wise he’s great. Top 5 point guard in the game. But I have a team full of science nerds and it will ruin the locker room chemistry. Hell, Kelly Olynyk is an actual chemist, that’s why I paid him so much money. Shit, I AM NOT THE GM OF THE MIAMI HEAT!”

Kyrie does have some defenders, including Shaquille O’Neal who famously starred in the movies Kazaam and Steel, while also playing professional basketball. Shaq had this to say about the earth; “ I drive from Florida to California all the time, and it’s flat to me. I do not go up and down at a 360-degree angle, and all that stuff about gravity…” Let’s stick with making movies, Shaq.

Speaking of movies, I did get a hold of the spokesperson for the movie Space Jam. They told me that “space and basketball have been intertwined since the 1990s, when we filmed the spectacular events of Space Jam. The idea that one of planet earth’s best basketball players doesn’t even believe in other planets doesn’t sit well for Space Jam 2. Although, I now have an idea to pitch to Warner Bros. about this movie, it could be Lebron James for the good guys and Kyrie Irving could star for the Monstars 2.0!!” Wow, that was a long quote but thank you to the spokesperson for Space Jam for that. Lebron James is set to star in Space Jam 2 directed by Justin Lin of Fast and Furious fame.


Kyrie apparently used air quotes when he described planets. That looks like this on paper, “planets.” So, he doesn’t even believe in the concept of planets, or he does but as a bunch of floating, flat pieces of land. Gregg Popovich, coach of the San Antonio Spurs, was very candid about Irving’s beliefs. Pop didn’t hold back, saying, “if he wants to be a dumb, idiot, that’s his business. I don’t have time for an uneducated ball player stepping on my damn court. Are you kidding me?! Also, I don’t want a shoot first point guard.”

We requested an interview with Kyrie Irving for MyGournal, or a quote, or an email address for his manager or agent, but we received no response. He has stood firm on his belief that the earth is flat, “because it is right in front of our faces. They lie to us.” When he says “they,” he is referring to scientists and people with an education who are gullible enough to believe in science. If we were able to interview Kyrie, he would have likely said something to the effect of “Science has never helped me. That ball court is flat, that backboard is flat, Lebron’s forehead is flat.” I would retort, “yes, but the ball is round, the basket is round and the earth is round.” Kyrie would reply, “I thought this was for ESPN, who the hell are you?” Fair question, Kyrie, but beside the point.

We did get an interview with Phil Jackson and said, “God, I need something to change on this basketball team. I don’t know what I’m doing over here but if we got a guy who can score baskets on the basketball team that’s what we need. Gosh, is it hot in here? Oh boy, I think I’m going to take off my pants now.” Settle down, Phil! He also is no longer the president of the New York Knicks, but apparently that was not made clear to him.

Kyrie may be traded in the coming weeks but it will largely depend on another team’s GM, somewhere on this planet, who will simply ignore Kyrie’s beliefs or actually agrees with him. I would say he could end up on the disgraced Monstars from Space Jam but he would have to believe that other planets and aliens exist first.

From Strasburger to Strasburg

I’m sure you have heard about the #1 pick in the MLB Draft, Stephen Strasburg, and the incredible potential that he has. He throws his fastball between 98 and 100 MPH consistently and had 195 strikeouts in 109 innings of work.

How did some overweight high school kid turn into one of the most dominant college pitchers ever? You only need to know two words, Tony Gwynn. He is the head coach of San Diego State and he has coaching abilities that rival the abilities of all the best coaches from every sport in history combined.

Strasburg was good in high school and recruited by some quality baseball schools. He wasn’t a big time major league prospect and he knew he had to improve in college. Growing up in San Diego, Strasburg made the easy choice, and decided to play for his idol, Tony Gwynn.

The dream started to come true for Strasburg as soon as he shook the hand of Gwynn. He has a magical touch, and Strasburg immediately decided to dedicate himself and get into shape. Strasburg lost weight quickly and learned the ancient art of baseball from the Buddha-like Gwynn.

Gwynn was a career .338 hitter in the majors and he hit an incredible .394 in 1994. He was the league leader in batting average 8 times over his career. Gwynn was a hitting master, and none of his contemporaries could match his incredible abilities. Gwynn was a part of the steroid-era, but it is well-known that Gwynn wasn’t on the juice. Teammates have said Gwynn would eat a cheeseburger, take batting practice for an hour, and then eat a whole large pizza afterwards. Gwynn was a little chubby towards the end of his career, but that didn’t stop him from .372 with 119 RBIs as a 37 year-old.

Gwynn was a right-fielder and a hitter, not a pitcher of course. How was he able to help Strasburg, a pitcher? It is because he understands the game of baseball better than any baseball man. Listening to Tony Gwynn speak is only comparable to hearing the words of Jesus Christ himself. He is baseball’s chosen one, the one who will spread the word of this baseball. His first miracle to the baseball world is Stephen Strasburg, after his son (who is ironically named Tony Gwynn) of course.

Strasburg is simply a creation of the greatness of Gwynn, and you can expect many more baseball greats to come through San Diego State.

Don’t be surprised to see him managing a major league team soon. Any team that passes on Gwynn would be foolish. Only Don Mattingly has close to the managerial potential as Gwynn. Just look at what he’s done with the Dodger’s lineup.

If Strasburg is going to be the greatest pitcher in baseball history, he will owe it all to Tony Gwynn and his superior baseball knowledge.

-by patricknonymous

Tebow Tips!

Hey everyone, Tim Tebow here! Whoa its been a long time, but you know EXAMS. I had to do my best, my dad said if I get straight A’s this year, we’re gonna go on a mission trip in the Caribbean! AWESOME. So y’all pray for me as hard as you can! (JK I know God’s got more pressing needs then helping out someone as blessed as me) So this leads me to some things you guys need to do for the summer, because I sincerely want you to have the best summer you can.
1. Go outside! You guys know that the summer is great for going out and having a good time, but BE SAFE. Sports are fun, swimming, hanging out, or whatever. Don’t forget your sunscreen though! LOL, I say that cuz i got sunburnt by the pool the other day 😦

2. Build stuff! Last summer, me and dad spent the whole summer building and fixin’ up houses for the less fortunate. AND IT FELT GOOD. Do something that feels good, like building a house, even if its for a bird!

3. Get wet! It gets hot y’all, and 2 a days just wouldn’t be fun if we didn’t have pool time after. There’s nothing more fun then getting in the pool or the ocean on a hot day….except maybe throwin’ a fade route for a TD to my man Percy!LOL

4. Get in shape! No one likes seen a flabby ol’ beach body. So tighten up your abs, eat some lettuce. Get on a good diet and the most important thing is, you will feel good about yourself! Trust me, I like what I see when I go to the beach!

5. Stay focused! If you’re focused on having a good time, having fun, you will. I am focused on one thing, bringing back the national championship to Florida. COUNT ON IT.

Y’all stay safe out there, have a great summer. God bless!

p.s. Congrats to Percy on getting drafted by the Vikings! Keep him in your prayers, he was feelin’ awfully sick the other day.

Dear Diary, with Tyler Hansbrough

Let’s just say, a private eye colleague of ours has stumbled across quite a gem. It seems as though he has found Tyler Hansbrough’s Diary. We’ve picked out a few select entries that will change the way you view this college basketball god. He might be a hard-ass on the court, but once you get a peak into his private life, your view will quickly change. So without further ado, we present the first in a series of Dear Diary, with Tyler Hansbrough.

Entry 1 entitled “Pubes”

Man, getting older is so weird. I’ve always liked being the biggest in class, but now I’m not so sure. Michael Warren made fun of me today in class. He said I have “Pubes on my face”. It’s just my new mustache I’m trying to grow. It sure is difficult being 16 and in 6th grade, you know what I mean, Diary? I mean, there’s basketball, social studies, pre-algebra, jeez, I’m smart but that’s a lot of stuff to handle. Mrs. Abernathy called on me today, and my voice cracked when I answered, everyone started to laugh at me. I wanted to cry, I hate getting laughed at. It just makes me so angry. Stupid Michael Warren, someday I’m going to punch him in the gut. 

Also, I’m thinking about asking Betty Welch to the Spring Fling dance this year. I hope she says yes, I think about putting my hands on her waist all the time, hehe. Maybe we will even get to do some fast dancing if they play some cool music like Papa Roach. Everybody knows I’m the best dancer in school. Nobody does a better worm than me. 

Anyways, I gotta go diary, time for practice. 



Voices of a generation

creedI’ve been working on this list in my head for my entire life, but I am finally going to publish it. I hope all of our readers out there go out, download all of these songs and burn them onto a CD, because this playlist is going to blow your mind. Buy a computer if you have to, because there is no single CD that compiles a list of songs quite like this.

I now present to you, Royalty of Rock. Listening to it is like falling in love for the first time. It will bring you straight back to your glory days.

“The Reason” – Hoobastank

I think the only way they could’ve made this song better was if they called it Hoobareason or the Reasonstank, because other than that, it is perfect. It will remind you of all the teenage angst you felt the first time a girl/boy broke up with you, something you don’t ever want to forget.

“My own prison” – Creed

A lot of people say that this song is depressing and stupid, and if that’s true then lock me up and put me in Creed’s prison because I love it. If you don’t understand this song, well then, you just don’t understand faith.

“Photograph” – Nickelback

I’d like to nominate Chad Kroeger as coolest dude ever. This song rocks out, not only that but it makes you want to look at photograph albums a lot too. I spent literally 4 hours going through photographs after I last listened to this song.

“Summer girls” – L.F.O.

New Kids on the Block had a bunch hits…you got that right, and so will L.F.O. if they keep up songs like this. Wherever they are, probably rocking out on the Jersey Shore, they are being 2cool. I’d also like to archive this next lyric for best lyric ever-

“There was a man named Paul Revere, I like the way I feel when you are near”

I like the way it feels when Paul Revere is near me too.

“Rollin'” – Limp Bizkit

Fred Durst knows what hes talkin’ about. This song isn’t literally about rolling down hills like many would think. It’s about being awesome like Fred, and it takes you straight back to chillin’ with your bro’s in middle school and high school.

“Mambo #5” – Lou Bega

Lou Bega is not only one of the great songwriters of our time, but is a master of poetry, novel writing, and mustache growing. Listening to this song is like being back at your junior prom, right before that bitch Tammy Jacobs left with Derek Baker.

“Hanging by a moment” – Lifehouse

It isn’t just about love. This song reminds one that life is all about those little moments, like taping a picture to a wall, cleaning the dirty forks, taking out the trash, things that would seem meaningless, but add up to a lot. Don’t take anything for granted, especially a song that is this good.

“Higher” – Creed

For this song we have a short excerpt from a satisfied customer, Donald Grace, 34 from Albuquerque, New Mexico –

“I was a 17 year old dropout , driving down route 66 on a path to no where. Sally Rodgers just broke my heart and I couldn’t find “The Reason” to live. It all changed when this little lullaby pop onto the FM. Hearing “Higher” by creed really changed my perception on life. I knew there was a higher power out there holding the delicate fabric of life together. Now I’m a 34 year old manager of the Dairy Queen in my home town loving life. Thank You Creed”

“She bangs” – Ricky Martin

If one person knows about banging chicks it’s Ricky Martin. Just ask the other dudes in Menudo how much Ricky likes to bang. He taught a whole generation that banging chicks, whether they like it or not ( and they usually like it) is a good thing.

“My heart will go on” – Celine Dion

This song was about the most popular song in the world when Titanic came out, and it brought more people to tears than Bill Buckner screwing up the World Series for the Red Sox. But in a good way.

“How you remind me” – Nickelback

This is the second time for Nickelback, and arguably the most popular of all their songs. Chad Kroeger has as many hit songs as he does 4 wheelers, but thats not stopping him from buying more 4 wheelers. This song may put you into a slight depression, but whats wrong with being depressed if you don’t kill yourself?

“Fat lip” – Sum 41

Before Sum 41 came out, the only people that shopped at Hot Topic were people that listened to Marilyn Manson and the Cure, but this group came along and changed the fortunes of Hot Topic owner Gregory Topic and the fashions of children for years to come.

“She hates me” – Puddle of Mudd

So you want to be an A-list celebrity, ultra wealthy, and date a super model. Well cure cancer or write an epic song that sums up the voice of a generation. Dont forget to miss spell your name.

“Accidentally in love” – Counting Crows

Everytime a hear “Accidentally in love” a tear comes into my left eye. Not a tear of sadness but of joy. This masterpiece by the Counting Crows paints a picture of grandure. Love and life are not always logical, never has a ballad captured this truth quite like “Accidentally in love”.

“Who let the dogs out” – Baha Men

Without this song, there would be no Under Armour and Mitt Romney would probably be the commander in chief ( YouTube – Mitt Romney – Who Let the Dogs Out? ) God bless the Baha men for bringing the world into the 21st century and truly ending racism forever.

The Fresh Prinze of Hollywood

FreddieWhen you think of great actors, 3 names come to mind; Daniel Day Lewis, Gene Hackman, and Reginald VelJohnson. For most people, they recognize Reginald’s work from Family Matters as the warm and loving father Carl Winslow, who happens to get mad at Steven Urkel from time to time, because Steven can get into some pretty sticky situations. In the episode entitled, “The Gun”, Laura gets scared about a female gang at school and wants to get a gun, but Steven Urkel begs her to reconsider her decision, according to IMDB and anyone who watched the episode. It was a heartwarming episode about a family trying to get by in Chicago, but thats not what this story is about. In that episode, a star emerged from the role of “tough guy.” In an interview with JoMarie Payton, the actress who played Harriette Winslow, she discussed tough guy. “You could tell he had what it takes to make it in Hollywood. His chemistry with Darius McCrary (Eddie Winslow) was unbelievable.” Well most people come and go on Family Matters, or go on to do work on shows like Step by Step, “the pornography of the sitcom industry” as Jaleel White (Steven Urkel)  calls it, but not this young man. This young man turned out to be Freddie Prinze Jr., but his star was not always this bright.

Growing up in Luxembourg, the capital of Luxembourg, Prince Guillaume lived a posh life. “I could pretty much do whatever I wanted,” said Prinze, “Being a prince is a lot like acting in the movie, ‘A Kid in King Arthur’s Court’ starring Thomas Ian Nicholas (Rookie of the Year), or ‘Black Knight’ starring Martin Lawrence (Martin).” I loved doing the everyday prince stuff, but sometimes I used to think there might be more to the world than Luxembourg, and I mean outside of Diekirch and Grevenmacher. It took FPJ almost 15 years to realize there was more to the world than Luxembourg City. He lived a sheltered life inside his giant castle. “I would mostly study ancient scrolls, make potions, and sword fight, but sometimes I like to ride horses and joust. I was the jousting champion of Luxembourg for two years.” His life was great, but one day the evil sorcerer, Raymond the Unjust, used a potion to convince the King to have Guillaume marry his disgusting and equally unjust daughter, Stevie Nicks (who coincidentally has a song named “Sorcerer”). Guillaume was trapped between a rock and an unjust future wife, but he escaped from Luxembourg, as difficult as that may be in modern times. He made his way to the only place he knew in America, Hollywood.

Prince Guillaume arrived in Charleston, South Carolina and made his way to Hollywood, South Carolina, not realizing it wasn’t the same one for another 3 months. He promptly made his way to Hollywood, California, as it is easy to travel across the country with a backpack filled with the rarest of Luxembourg jewels. 2 weeks, 4 rubies, and 12 ruby tuesdays later, he was in Hollywood. The day he arrived there was the very same day he met his future best friend, and long lost older brother, actor Matthew Lillard. “I saw him, and I knew right away what had happened. That dick, sorcerer Raymond, tried the same bullshit with me” said Lillard. “I told Guillaume that he needed to change his name so the sorcerer wouldn’t find him, so he picked Freddie Prinze, Jr.”  The reunited brothers tore through Hollywood, making amazing film after amazing film together, such as Scooby Doo, Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, Wing Commander, Summer Catch, and the critically acclaimed “She’s All That.” Co-star Rachael Leigh Cook describes Freddy and Matthew, as “the best brother duo that I’ve ever worked with” and that is saying a lot, since she has worked with the Thompson brothers in a performance of “Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat” during high school in Minneapolis, Minnesota. It was said to be one of the top 3 performances at this local theater.

Freddie could be seen rubbing elbows with some of Hollywoods most famous 3 name people, like Sarah Michelle Gellar, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Seann William Scott, and David Hyde Pierce. “Dr. Niles Crayne (DHP) was my favorite person to chill out and relax with, besides my brother obviously. I used to call him that all the time, and he thought it was hilarious,” said Prinze.  Life was good, but one day, on the set of “Summer Catch” Freddie and Matthew Lillard were goofing around, when sorcerer Raymond the Unjust appeared. He took a poison arrow out and shot it at Freddie with the Bow of Fortitude, the most accurate Bow in all of Luxembourg. Luckily, Matthew Lillard is the fastest person in the history of Luxembourg and pushed Freddie out of the way in time, saving his brother, while also sealing his own fate. The arrow struck Lillard in the wrist, but was too dull to pierce his strong Luxembourgian skin. The poison however, caused Lillard to have a mild case of carpal-tunnels syndrome in his wrist, making it difficult, but not impossible, to operate a computer on a regular basis. The good news was that sorcerer Raymond the Unjust learned a valuable lesson that day about friendship and brotherhood, and changed his name to Pierre Joris and is renown for his lymrics and poetry all across Luxembourg.