Tim Tebaby

If you consider yourself a college football fan, you were watching the Alabama – Florida game for the SEC championship. No one could’ve asked for a better football game, but that’s not what most people remember. The image of the great Tim Tebow, kneeling on the sideline, overcome with emotion and in tears on national television is what everyone remembers. The image has made this formidable man-beast the laughingstock of football and sports. A man who puts everything on the line one day a week for a couple of months each year is now being called a “baby”  and a “girl”. Sports analysts and bloggers all over the country mock Tebow from the safety of their computers, but little do they know the truth behind the watery eyes of God’s second son.

1) Tim Tebow, trying to pump himself up before the game, decided to pop in an inspiring DVD to make himself even more of an insurmountable foe. He searched the whole stadium for something, but the only DVD available in the entire facility was “Cool Runnings”, the heartwarming story about a ragtag group of Jamaican sprinters (and an eccentric pushcart driver) who make it to the Olympics under the guidance of an American bobsledding castaway (played by comedian John Candy). This Disney classic has made millions of viewers break down to tears, and not even the great Florida quarterback could resist for long. After seeing the Jamaicans cross the finish line with the bobsled on their back, Tim could not hold his emotion back.

2) someone had been messing with Tim’s I-Pod, switching from his “Pre-Game Pump” mix to his  “Super Sad Songs” playlist.  Some of these songs my have been included.

  • Beautiful by Christina Aguilera
  • Epiphany by Staind
  • Everybody Hurts by R.E.M
  • Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls
  • Brick by Ben Folds Five
  • The Graduation Song by Vitamin C
  • Here’s to the Night by Eve 6
  • The Freshmen by the Verve Pipe

With the sad sounds of Vitamin C and Eve 6 drowning Tebow in sorrow all game, it was nearly impossible for him to focus on passing the ball, let alone keeping his composure on the sidelines.  Tebow was an emotional train wreck waiting to happen.

3) In addition to this, some minor events happened throughout the course of the game.

  • Someone was cutting an onion on the Florida Bench
  • A bug had flown into Tim’s eye
  • In a High-5 that went horribly wrong, he got smacked in the family jewels.
  • He found out the Raiders had him number one on their draft list
  • Someone told Tebow that wrestling is fake
  • Tim over heard that his girlfriend wants a breast reduction

4) The final straw for Tebow came near the end of the fourth quarter. Some rude Alabama fans behind the Gators bench decided it would be funny to yell at Tebow that Santa Claus isn’t real. Tim is grown up, but one thing that has never left him is his Christmas spirit. When he heard these words (that he’d been secretly thinking for the past 2 years) he just lost it. This year for Christmas, Tebow had asked for a plane ticket to the Congo so he could spread Christmas cheer and help poor, needy children on the other side of the world. A so-called harmless joke not only ruined the game and Tebow’s Christmas, but the welfare of many African children.

I want you to put yourself in Tim Tebow’s shoes. Do you think, after all of these horrible events, that you could keep yourself from crying? Don’t lie to yourself because you know the answer is no.


The State of USA Soccer

Today I watched the USA soccer game versus Brazil. I am appalled by the results and even more by the coaching and performances of some of the players. Bob Bradley is a bad coach. He has no idea what he’s doing out there, and hasn’t learned from any of his mistakes. He’s been starting and giving significant minutes to DeMarcus Beasley for the past year, and Beasley has been horrible. He’s a liability on defense, and he never does anything on offense anymore either. Bradley needs to stop playing favorites and try something new, because I’m getting tired of watching this played-out story. We’re always so close to winning, but almost doesn’t count unless it’s horseshoes and hand grenades. Bradley needs to shape up or he will find himself coaching the Chicago Fire soon. 

We have all the players to succeed, thats why its so angering to watch this team keep getting mediocre results. Adu should be playing all the time, bring back some of the young players and give them a chance because all of Bradley’s and Arenas’ “Old Guard” have never performed and are still failing. It’s time to make the changes, and number one is getting rid of Bob Bradley and getting a real coach.

Steroids are bad?

Steroids have come to light in the past couple years and they are to baseball what the potato famine was to Ireland. They are ruining everything. They have cast a shadow as big as Barry Bonds head over the world of baseball. This taint to America’s Pastime begs the question, what if players had  never done steroids, what would their stats have been like? On the other side of those questions, what would player’s careers have been like if they had done steroids? We took a look at some players who did and didn’t juice and forecast how life would’ve been for them on or off steroids. 

Players who didn’t do steroids, but maybe should have?

Darryl Strawberry – One of the most exciting young players the Mets ever had, only to succumb to the powdery seductress otherwise known as cocaine. What if he traded the powder for juice? We estimate he would have hit over 810 home runs, transforming the strawman into dr. haystacks (because there is a lot of straw in a haystack, and Dr. for DaRryl).

Kevin Brown- Brown may have used steroids, but imagine what he could have been if he was a lifetime user like Clemens. He likely would have won 5 or 6 World Series championships and had 358 career wins. He would have also featured a cologne by polo called “Temper”.

Rafael Belliard – Steroids would have been offset by his tomahawk buzzcut. Even with steroids, his .221 career batting average and 2 career home runs in over 1000 at bats would look more like .235 with 15 home runs. He was just that bad of a hitter.

Chan Ho Park – Ho-bags would’ve become the premier starting asian pitcher in the MLB had it not been for Hideo Nomo. That is, until both of them failed. Now Nomo is out of the league and Chan is a reliever. If Jackie Chan Ho Park had turned it up a notch, he would have surpassed the greatest of asian pitchers, including the likes of Byung-Hyun Kim, Chien-Men Wang, Hideki Irabu, Kei Igawa and Dice-K Matsusaka. This means he would be getting around 15 wins a season. Amazing.

Raul Ibanez – Keep your urine, hair, blood, and crap, i’ll take a chunk of that $7million your making this year. On the juice in 2009 he would have hit .320, with 57 HR and 155 RBI , a shocking change from 2008 numbers .290, 23HR, 110RBI. Oh wait, he might do that anyways. I don’t know what would have been worse for Raul’s career, staying in Seattle or doing steroids. 

Albert Pujols – He would never do steroids because he’s awesome, but if he had, he would have already hit 900 home runs.

Players who did steroids, but what would they have been like if they didn’t?

Sammy Sosa -Sosa never actually tested positive? but the fact that his biceps are now the size of his thighs is somewhat concerning. He would’ve likely stuck around the league as a decent speedy and defensive outfielder, but according to our research he would’ve only hit 148 home runs instead of 603. Focusing his efforts on the english language instead of never learning it, he would have written an eye opening novel about the negative aspects of steroids.

John Rocker – The roid king of the south would be an assistant manager for the Bojangles in Macon, Georgia, but would still be despised by all of his employees for his bad attitude. He would have never made it to the pros. Hes still homophobic, sexist, and racist. That had nothing to do with steroids. 

Roger Clemens – The “Rocket” would’ve been more like the “stationary space station” had he not juiced to oblivion. It is estimated that he would have still had a decent major league career, but there are no curds or whey he would be throwing 98 mph at age 38. Our crystal ball says he would have had a career-ending elbow injury in 1994, after being hit by a golf cart during a celebrity golf tournement in California.

Rafael Palmeiro- Turns out Viagra wasn’t the only drug this mustachioed man used. After using steroids, Palmiero was a big time power hitter. Earlier in his career he was comparable to John Olerud, but he didn’t wear a helmet in the field. Its likely that Palmiero would have started his own Tex-Mex restaurant in the state of Texas. With a mustache like his though he could also have been a great car salesman in Ohio.

The Bay Area

  • Oakland Athletics – Team moved to Oklahoma city in 1995 after 10 straights losing years.
  • Jose Canseco – Canseco started taking steroids at a young age, and if he hadn’t, would’ve just ended up as a used car salesman  in Topeka, Kansas, working at a batting cage in the evening to save up money to buy a suped-up 1988 Chevy Camaro Iroc- Z28.
  • Mark McGwire – Unlike Conseco, McGwire was a naturally talented hitter. He always had power, but its likely he would have just had a few 45+ HR seasons. After a 9 or 10 year career, McGwire would become the spokesperson for McDonald’s and would use his nickname Big Mac for the greater good, instead of being a steroid injected beefcake. In this bizzaro world, Mac would make the Hall, “The Sandwich Hall of Fame.
  • Jason Giambi – After a short major league career, he moved back to Long Beach State to work in the local Golds Gym,  he also was never able to grow that killer mustache due to lower testosterone levels.
  • Miguel Tejada – Unable to compete with real athletes Miguel moved back to the Dominican to pursue his real passion, lying and forging birth certificates.
  • Barry Bonds – He’d still be good. He’d still be a douche. Fun fact though, he studied criminology in college, only to become a criminal.
  • Gary Matthews Jr. – Although he never played in the bay area, growing up around Ashbury drugs were an everyday occurrence, HGH was a natural decision. Without these drugs Matthews career was well about the same, a total bust.
  • BALCO – Under of the leadership of CEO Brian McNamee the company found a cure to cancer and AIDS
  • Matt Williams – No world series rings, sliver bats or gold gloves hang in this third basemen trophy case. Matt is still happly married to his first wife, and was never forced to downgrade to a TV News Anchor

2004 Red Sox’s – The curse lives on. More importantly that main stream smut “Fever Pitch” wouldn’t have destroyed baseball and film forever.

What is the moral of this story?

Drugs are bad?

False, but we would never condone the use of such drugs. But would we discourage the usage of drugs to make a fast buck? No way, we’re all about fast bucks. So, we wrote some stuff for those who dabble on the wrong side of the proverbial legality  fence.

Here are some tips for future “users”

1 )  Some drugs make you rich and famous, some leave you on the side of the street sucking silver paint out of a paper bag.

2 )  Don’t ask whats in the needle, just have your cousin or friend stick it in your ass. Someone you could forget about easily.

3 )  Just called it “the cream” or “the clear” or say it came in vitamin bottle.

4 )  If you do get caught red handed say, “I was young and didn’t know better.” or even better, forget how to speak english.

5 )  Study criminology during college. Or just practice lying all the time. 

6 )  Move to Texas or San Francisco

7 )  Stock up on Enzte and stress balls, keep your balls of normal size and keep the bruises off the wife.

8 ) If you don’t make it in baseball, grow a mustache and write a book about ‘roids.

So kids, keep these words in mind when you are thinking about taking your game to the next level. Take care of your bodies.

From Strasburger to Strasburg

I’m sure you have heard about the #1 pick in the MLB Draft, Stephen Strasburg, and the incredible potential that he has. He throws his fastball between 98 and 100 MPH consistently and had 195 strikeouts in 109 innings of work.

How did some overweight high school kid turn into one of the most dominant college pitchers ever? You only need to know two words, Tony Gwynn. He is the head coach of San Diego State and he has coaching abilities that rival the abilities of all the best coaches from every sport in history combined.

Strasburg was good in high school and recruited by some quality baseball schools. He wasn’t a big time major league prospect and he knew he had to improve in college. Growing up in San Diego, Strasburg made the easy choice, and decided to play for his idol, Tony Gwynn.

The dream started to come true for Strasburg as soon as he shook the hand of Gwynn. He has a magical touch, and Strasburg immediately decided to dedicate himself and get into shape. Strasburg lost weight quickly and learned the ancient art of baseball from the Buddha-like Gwynn.

Gwynn was a career .338 hitter in the majors and he hit an incredible .394 in 1994. He was the league leader in batting average 8 times over his career. Gwynn was a hitting master, and none of his contemporaries could match his incredible abilities. Gwynn was a part of the steroid-era, but it is well-known that Gwynn wasn’t on the juice. Teammates have said Gwynn would eat a cheeseburger, take batting practice for an hour, and then eat a whole large pizza afterwards. Gwynn was a little chubby towards the end of his career, but that didn’t stop him from .372 with 119 RBIs as a 37 year-old.

Gwynn was a right-fielder and a hitter, not a pitcher of course. How was he able to help Strasburg, a pitcher? It is because he understands the game of baseball better than any baseball man. Listening to Tony Gwynn speak is only comparable to hearing the words of Jesus Christ himself. He is baseball’s chosen one, the one who will spread the word of this baseball. His first miracle to the baseball world is Stephen Strasburg, after his son (who is ironically named Tony Gwynn) of course.

Strasburg is simply a creation of the greatness of Gwynn, and you can expect many more baseball greats to come through San Diego State.

Don’t be surprised to see him managing a major league team soon. Any team that passes on Gwynn would be foolish. Only Don Mattingly has close to the managerial potential as Gwynn. Just look at what he’s done with the Dodger’s lineup.

If Strasburg is going to be the greatest pitcher in baseball history, he will owe it all to Tony Gwynn and his superior baseball knowledge.

-by patricknonymous

Leaf Me Alone

Ryan Leaf is on the run from the law, but we know where he’s hiding out so we managed to catch up to him for a quick interview. A quick interview that didn’t turn out so well. This is not for the feint of heart…

MyGournal – Knock Knock!
Ryan Leaf – Who the fuck is it, i’ll blow your goddamn brains out.
MyGournal – It’s us Ryan, we’re not here to hurt you.
Ryan Leaf – Oh shit, I thought it was those fuckin’ pigs. Come on in.
MyGournal – Hey Ryan, I thought you were going to turn yourself in?
Ryan Leaf- Yea, I was on my way there, but I had to call an audible.
MG – What do you mean?
RL – What I mean is that IM NOT GOING TO GO TO FUCKING JAIL YOU JACKASSES
MG – Whoa, Ryan calm down.
RL – Sorry, I’m in Hydrocodene withdrawal. What else do you want to know?
MG – Why’d you start taking painkillers?
RL – You have no idea guys, no idea, what it’s like to throw that many interceptions in that short of a career. It’s called Interceptionitis, its a very debilitating problem. Look at Joey Harrington, he can’t even play the piano anymore! Every time he tries, he just ends up passing out. The only reason David Carr has protected himself from Interceptionitis is with his gloves. Dammit, if I had just worn gloves throughout my career.
MG – You mean to say that you’re suffering from a disease caused by the amount of interceptions you threw during your short career?
RL – That’s right. After I quit the game, I went into rehab for 2 years. Everything was going great until my annual NFL draft cookout.
MG – What happened?
RL – I was cooking some hot dogs, some damn good hot dogs at that, then we stopped to play a little two-hand touch. I hadn’t passed a ball since my last game, but I was sure after rehab, I’d be okay. Everything was going well, I had 4 touchdowns in the first half. Then, after the second beer break, I dropped back, and I saw my buddy Jed wide open in the endzone. I lobbed it up perfect to him, but that son of a bitch Steve picked it off. Somebody on the sideline yelled, “You back on the Chargers, Leaf?” and that’s when I lost it. I yelled “Fuck you” to that guy, then kicked over the grill. Unfortunately, it landed on my nephew Randy, and he had 2nd degree burns all over his body.

MG – Wow, that’s horrible.
RL – Yea, it was horrible, but I don’t give a shit. I went home, put on the pads, and listened to jock jams volume 2 for 4 hours. Oh yea, and I was high as shit on Vicodin, so yea, I was rockin’ out.
MG – So you don’t regret the drugs at all?
RL – The only thing I regret is getting caught, and the fact that I’m going to have to kill you for finding out my location.
MG – Ryan, we won’t tell anyone, just take it easy.
RL – This is it, my final revenge on the media. (Pulls out a .44 Magnum) You all attacked me, called me a failure and flop. This time, good ol’ Ryan will be getting the best of you. Here is Ryan Leaf’s countdown of the 10 best shots into your head. 10 BOOM

MG – Holy Shit, what are you doing? You missed us from 5 feet away, and you’re from Texas, you should know how to shoot.

RL – Number 9 won’t be so unlucky…BOOM

MG – Umm…

RL – 8…7…6…5…4…

MG – That was close, put down the gun Ryan we don’t anyone to get hurt.
RL – Get hurt? Don’t count on these three missing…..BANG!

The door crashed open, and none other than Junior Seau came running through the living room.

Junior Seau – I’m comin’ for you Leaf, we traded Eric Metcalf to get you, and you’re gonna fuckin’ pay for that!
Ryan Leaf – Oh shit…

The story ends there. Leaf was tackled so hard, his head fell off. We want to send a big thank you to Junior Seau and to Tim Tebow, who had been doing surveillance for us while we were inside, as extra protection. He called Seau in just enough time, and we are indebted to them for the rest of our lives.

Ronaldo’s Replacement

This is going to be a little different than the humorous article that is normally published by the mygournal team, but I’m getting tired of reading the retarded articles about who will replace the irreplaceable Cristiano Ronaldo. With the sale of Ronaldo for 131 million dollars, or about 80 million pounds, they can afford any player in the world. Let me make it clear that no player signed will make the immediate impact that Ronaldo can on the United team, but that doesn’t mean Sir Alex Ferguson can’t sign someone awesome. Here is my list of people I would like to replace Ronaldo:

5. Karim Benzema – Forward, Lyon – He’s not a winger and he won’t directly replace Ronaldo, but he will score and he’s young. This would move Rooney out to the wing probably, but he’s shown he can play there. I wouldn’t do this move unless Tevez isn’t coming back, but it’d be a good signing nonetheless.

4. Wesley Sjneider – Midfielder, Real Madrid – He’s dutch, he’s very good, and he probably won’t play a lot at Real Madrid. Man Utd might be able to get him for cheap or a direct swap, and he would make an impact in the midfield for sure.

3. David Silva – Winger, Valencia – He showed in Euro 2008 that he is a world class player, and he might be available for pretty cheap, due to the financial woes at Valencia, so why not go for him. He is really young and talented, but he is small and it is difficult to tell how he would handle the physical nature of the English Premiership. Maybe Manchester could pull of a deal to get him and David Villa for 40 million euros or so, that would be amazing.

2. Franck Ribery – Midfielder, Bayern Munich – He’s arguably the best winger behind Messi and Ronaldo, and he will definitely make an impact, but Bayern Munich has said they want anywhere from 20 to 80 million euros for him. I do not want to see him go to United for any more than 30 million euros. He’s very good, but he’s 27, small and French, and has not proven that he can play in the Premiership yet.

1. Ashley Young – Winger, Aston Villa – He’s so awesome, I can’t even describe it. He’s won the young player of the year 2 times in the premiership and he’s proven he can play. The only problem is that he won’t come cheap, but maybe still cheaper than Ribery. At 23 he is the top choice to me, and I’m sure he couldn’t resist playing in the Champions League for Manchester United.

Honorable Mention –

-Freddy Adu – Midfielder, Benefica – He’s awesome and young but he wouldn’t play very much at Manchester. If they could get him for cheap it would be a great buy for the future.
-Ryan Babel – Winger/Striker, Liverpool – He’s been speculated to be on the outs at Liverpool, but it’s doubtful he would go to Manchester, especially since he has failed to make an impact under the “genius” Benitez. He has the talent to be world class though.

Also, I have to look into Antonio Valencia. It is looking more and more like Man Utd are going to sign him, but I don’t know much about him, so I don’t have much to comment on. He was on Wigan, and pretty young, and probably wouldn’t be too expensive, but I don’t know if he’s Manchester United quality. Apparently he has been attracting the attention of many top clubs such as Liverpool, so he can’t be that bad.

Tebow Tips! Volume 2

Hey guys,
It’s Tim here. Sorry I’ve been away for so long. I’ve been working out extra hard this summer to get ready for next year and helping people has been the last thing on my mind (JUST KIDDING, y’all know me) But anyways, I’m gonna give you guys some food tips to make your lives healthier and better, and might I add that they taste pretty dang good (but not as good as mom’s food). If you want to be a winner like me, then you should eat these foods.

Tim’s Favorite Foods!
-What you should eat to be like me-

1. Banana Splits – If you want to know one thing about me, it’s two words ICE CREAM. I like ice cream, no wait, I love ice cream. I eat ice cream for breakfast some days, and by some days I mean everyday. I’m lactose tolerant, I can eat an infinite amount. I love bananas and chocolate too, so this is a dream combination. Plus, milk and bananas are healthy, so you can’t go wrong with that.

2. Green beans – When I was a kid, I used to get called “green bean” by the 9th graders who lived down the street. One day I was wearing a green shirt and my favorite green shorts, and might I add that I was already 5’8″ when I was 12, so needless to say, they started calling me green bean. I didn’t get the joke at first, but thats because I had never eaten them before. Now that I tried them, I cant stop eating them. But don’t call me “green bean” anymore HAHA!

3. Ice cream sandwiches – Well I love sandwiches, but what’s better than ham and turkey in a sandwich? Ice cream. Don’t even get me started again.

4. Chicken pot pie – People always ask me, “what do you eat before games?” and my answer has always been one personal sized chicken pot pie, 15 minutes before gametime. It makes me feel warm inside, and it gets my blood flowing. Nothing is better than listening to some good christian rock, like Jars of Clay, and eating chicken pot pie before a game, thats how winners are made.

5. Salad – Just kidding, ice cream sunday is what I really meant to put. If there was an ice cream championship, I would do anything to win it. If I could have another nickname besides “green bean” and “l8r gator”, it would be Ice cream MVP. If you know my aim screen name you know that I just changed it to ICMVP2009, so if I’m not your friend, you can send me an IM about ice cream or something.