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Steroids are bad?

Steroids have come to light in the past couple years and they are to baseball what the potato famine was to Ireland. They are ruining everything. They have cast a shadow as big as Barry Bonds head over the world of baseball. This taint to America’s Pastime begs the question, what if players had  never done steroids, what would their stats have been like? On the other side of those questions, what would player’s careers have been like if they had done steroids? We took a look at some players who did and didn’t juice and forecast how life would’ve been for them on or off steroids. 

Players who didn’t do steroids, but maybe should have?

Darryl Strawberry – One of the most exciting young players the Mets ever had, only to succumb to the powdery seductress otherwise known as cocaine. What if he traded the powder for juice? We estimate he would have hit over 810 home runs, transforming the strawman into dr. haystacks (because there is a lot of straw in a haystack, and Dr. for DaRryl).

Kevin Brown- Brown may have used steroids, but imagine what he could have been if he was a lifetime user like Clemens. He likely would have won 5 or 6 World Series championships and had 358 career wins. He would have also featured a cologne by polo called “Temper”.

Rafael Belliard – Steroids would have been offset by his tomahawk buzzcut. Even with steroids, his .221 career batting average and 2 career home runs in over 1000 at bats would look more like .235 with 15 home runs. He was just that bad of a hitter.

Chan Ho Park – Ho-bags would’ve become the premier starting asian pitcher in the MLB had it not been for Hideo Nomo. That is, until both of them failed. Now Nomo is out of the league and Chan is a reliever. If Jackie Chan Ho Park had turned it up a notch, he would have surpassed the greatest of asian pitchers, including the likes of Byung-Hyun Kim, Chien-Men Wang, Hideki Irabu, Kei Igawa and Dice-K Matsusaka. This means he would be getting around 15 wins a season. Amazing.

Raul Ibanez – Keep your urine, hair, blood, and crap, i’ll take a chunk of that $7million your making this year. On the juice in 2009 he would have hit .320, with 57 HR and 155 RBI , a shocking change from 2008 numbers .290, 23HR, 110RBI. Oh wait, he might do that anyways. I don’t know what would have been worse for Raul’s career, staying in Seattle or doing steroids. 

Albert Pujols – He would never do steroids because he’s awesome, but if he had, he would have already hit 900 home runs.

Players who did steroids, but what would they have been like if they didn’t?

Sammy Sosa -Sosa never actually tested positive? but the fact that his biceps are now the size of his thighs is somewhat concerning. He would’ve likely stuck around the league as a decent speedy and defensive outfielder, but according to our research he would’ve only hit 148 home runs instead of 603. Focusing his efforts on the english language instead of never learning it, he would have written an eye opening novel about the negative aspects of steroids.

John Rocker – The roid king of the south would be an assistant manager for the Bojangles in Macon, Georgia, but would still be despised by all of his employees for his bad attitude. He would have never made it to the pros. Hes still homophobic, sexist, and racist. That had nothing to do with steroids. 

Roger Clemens – The “Rocket” would’ve been more like the “stationary space station” had he not juiced to oblivion. It is estimated that he would have still had a decent major league career, but there are no curds or whey he would be throwing 98 mph at age 38. Our crystal ball says he would have had a career-ending elbow injury in 1994, after being hit by a golf cart during a celebrity golf tournement in California.

Rafael Palmeiro- Turns out Viagra wasn’t the only drug this mustachioed man used. After using steroids, Palmiero was a big time power hitter. Earlier in his career he was comparable to John Olerud, but he didn’t wear a helmet in the field. Its likely that Palmiero would have started his own Tex-Mex restaurant in the state of Texas. With a mustache like his though he could also have been a great car salesman in Ohio.

The Bay Area

  • Oakland Athletics – Team moved to Oklahoma city in 1995 after 10 straights losing years.
  • Jose Canseco – Canseco started taking steroids at a young age, and if he hadn’t, would’ve just ended up as a used car salesman  in Topeka, Kansas, working at a batting cage in the evening to save up money to buy a suped-up 1988 Chevy Camaro Iroc- Z28.
  • Mark McGwire – Unlike Conseco, McGwire was a naturally talented hitter. He always had power, but its likely he would have just had a few 45+ HR seasons. After a 9 or 10 year career, McGwire would become the spokesperson for McDonald’s and would use his nickname Big Mac for the greater good, instead of being a steroid injected beefcake. In this bizzaro world, Mac would make the Hall, “The Sandwich Hall of Fame.
  • Jason Giambi – After a short major league career, he moved back to Long Beach State to work in the local Golds Gym,  he also was never able to grow that killer mustache due to lower testosterone levels.
  • Miguel Tejada – Unable to compete with real athletes Miguel moved back to the Dominican to pursue his real passion, lying and forging birth certificates.
  • Barry Bonds – He’d still be good. He’d still be a douche. Fun fact though, he studied criminology in college, only to become a criminal.
  • Gary Matthews Jr. – Although he never played in the bay area, growing up around Ashbury drugs were an everyday occurrence, HGH was a natural decision. Without these drugs Matthews career was well about the same, a total bust.
  • BALCO – Under of the leadership of CEO Brian McNamee the company found a cure to cancer and AIDS
  • Matt Williams – No world series rings, sliver bats or gold gloves hang in this third basemen trophy case. Matt is still happly married to his first wife, and was never forced to downgrade to a TV News Anchor

2004 Red Sox’s – The curse lives on. More importantly that main stream smut “Fever Pitch” wouldn’t have destroyed baseball and film forever.

What is the moral of this story?

Drugs are bad?

False, but we would never condone the use of such drugs. But would we discourage the usage of drugs to make a fast buck? No way, we’re all about fast bucks. So, we wrote some stuff for those who dabble on the wrong side of the proverbial legality  fence.

Here are some tips for future “users”

1 )  Some drugs make you rich and famous, some leave you on the side of the street sucking silver paint out of a paper bag.

2 )  Don’t ask whats in the needle, just have your cousin or friend stick it in your ass. Someone you could forget about easily.

3 )  Just called it “the cream” or “the clear” or say it came in vitamin bottle.

4 )  If you do get caught red handed say, “I was young and didn’t know better.” or even better, forget how to speak english.

5 )  Study criminology during college. Or just practice lying all the time. 

6 )  Move to Texas or San Francisco

7 )  Stock up on Enzte and stress balls, keep your balls of normal size and keep the bruises off the wife.

8 ) If you don’t make it in baseball, grow a mustache and write a book about ‘roids.

So kids, keep these words in mind when you are thinking about taking your game to the next level. Take care of your bodies.