As it is EPL Eve, we’ve decided to drop our first Premiership Predictions. In order to make it more exciting, we’ve done it in reverse order. So either scroll to the bottom to see who we say the champions will be, or read all of it. Soccer time!
20. Huddersfield – Their jerseys were so bright last year that they had to be promoted. Now, they have regular colors, so their opponents won’t be afraid they’re made of lasers. This will not help them at all. The American effect will help the Terriers, but Wagner (Klopp’s BFF) and Danny Williams can only do so much. Prediction: Bottom of the table, unless they bring back their laser jerseys.
19. Brighton and Hove Albion – They only lost 2-3 to Atletico Madrid in a friendly, so based on that, they’ll finish in a European qualifying position. In reality, they won’t. They’re a great story and I’d love for them to stay up, but I just can’t see it happening. Prediction: Relegation and Battle Albion.
18. Burnley – Sean Dyche looks like a villain from a Jason Statham movie. And he uses that to intimidate oppositions at Turf Moor. It usually works, but I think it’ll be a tough season without his best henchman (Michael Keane) and best homophobe (Andre Gray). Prediction: It’ll be a street fight, but Burnley has to play against better-looking, stronger, faster Jason Stathams all season. Relegation
The Boring Bottom Half
17. Swansea – There was only one person responsible for keeping Swansea up last year, and it wasn’t Paul Clement. It was the Norse God Gylfi himself, who was seemingly responsible for every goal or assist they had last season. They haven’t strengthened their team a lot, and if a team meets their demands and Gylfi leaves, that means they’ll probably score 6 goals this season. All own goals. Prediction: They’ll be lucky to stay up.
16. Watford – They bought some cool young players, but they’re pretty unproven in the premiership. And the rest of the team was pretty poor last year. If English Drake comes back and scores a ton of goals, that would help, and they have a good manager, but it seems like their team had a lot of issues. Prediction: The yellowest jerseys in the league, and barely surviving relegation.
15. Newcastle United – Tactical genius Rafa Benitez mixed with future and present American hair and soccer superstar, DeAndre Yedlin, means that Newcastle are primed for success. Rafa has an equally big book of tactics, rivaled only by Pep Guardiola, so if he manages to use them correctly, Newcastle could do decently. Prediction: Bottom half, but survivors!
14. Stoke City – Stoke are like West Brom, in that they are very boring. And they lost their best attacker in Arnautovic. They have to rely on Joe Allen and that angry little guy on their team too much, on the other hand, they have a lot of short talent. Zouma is good on loan there but I don’t see them doing that well. Prediction: A lot of draws.
13. West Brom – They are the most boring successful team (if you call finishing near mid-table success) in the history of the game. If there were a championship for long balls and set pieces, they would do really well. I don’t get it, but they just never seem to give up many goals. Maybe their pitch is muddier than the rest, or has a lot of grass clumps. I can’t explain it. Prediction: Their first pass will be a clearance.
The Middle Men
12. Crystal Palace – This team’s signings would make any Football Manager fan happy, with Jairo Riedewald and Ruben Loftus-Cheek. They have some real quality in attack with Benteke and Zaha, but this team looked like they were going to lose every game last year for a long time. Unless they have a huge influx of cash from a rapper who thinks this is a champagne company and they buy some good defenders, maybe then they’ll do better. Prediction: 459 nutmegs by Zaha this season.
11. Leicester – Somehow, they’ve still managed to keep together most of their championship winning team. Not that it helped them a lot last year. Kelechi Iheanacho could be a huge signing for them now that he’s going to be playing more regularly, but I don’t know about this team. Slimani, Vardy, and Kelechi is a really good attack, but they’re getting old in the back. Prediction: Better than last year.
10. Southampton – They’ve gone from a selling club to a selling club who won’t sell anymore. They’re obviously not a feeder club for Liverpool anymore, so the team is up for grabs. They have some really quality players in attack and if van Dijk stays, they’ll have a solid squad. He wants to go though, and it’ll be tough to keep him. Prediction: They’ll sell half the team to West Ham next season.
9. Bournemouth – The Cherries are a seriously cool team. The coolest cherry based team around. Nathan Ake was a great signing and based on his reverse-aging soccer career, Jermain Defoe probably will be too. If they hold on to the least Norwegian player ever, Joshua King, they could have a really good attack. Prediction: Cherries on the top! Half of the table.
8. West Ham – I don’t want to put them this high, but they’re a pretty strong team. They haven’t really lost much, and they’ve added Arnautovic, JOE HART, and Chicharito. You’re supposed to yell JOE HART’s name when you say or read it. They have a really big and fast team, but JOE HART will let in some real howlers, as usual. Prediction: A lot of tunnel yelling from JOE HART.
7. Everton – The savior has returned! Rooney is back, and with more hair than he had as a 15 year old. The Toffees actually made some good moves this summer by getting Keane, Pickford, and Klaassen, but losing Lukaku will be big hole to fill. Literally and figuratively. They could sign the next biggest striker, Giroud, but his hair is too beautiful. I say go for Crouch, he’ll at least make up for the height. Prediction: Seventh place, and Crouch is seven feet tall. Also, I predict that Rooney will NOT equal Lukaku’s goal total.
6. Arsenal – Will he stay or will he go? We’re talking about Alexis Sanchez, of course. And if you read this later in the season, obviously Arsene Wenger. The Gunners depend too much on a guy who looks like he doesn’t try (Ozil), and a guy who wants to leave more than anything (Sanchez). I love Lacazette, but I don’t know if he’ll be enough to take them back into the top four, especially with the uncertainty around Alexis. Prediction: 24 season ending injuries and a sixth place finish.
5. Liverpool – I want Liverpool to win the league, and they could BUT there are a lot of buts with this team. And butts too. If Coutinho goes, they won’t make the top 4, they just can’t compete if they lose half of the pearliest white smile tandem of Phil and Firmino. AND they didn’t sign a CB, which besides left back, was their biggest problem. They haven’t really addressed either position well. Salah looks great, and with Mane on the wing, they will score a ton, but they will definitely drop points if they don’t sign a top center back to start ahead of Lovren. Every Liverpool fan will be just waiting for the dumb injury time equalizers by Watford and Brighton. Prediction: It hurts me, but they will probably finish outside the top 4. Lower if they lose Coutinho, higher if they sign a top notch CB.
The Top Four
4. Chelsea – They’ll be without Eden “The Garden” Hazard for a little while, but the real loss is not getting to see Diego Costa’s antics on the pitch. Morata should fill in well now that he has actual players passing to him, and Chelsea’s defense will be amazing with Bakayoko (when he comes back), Rudiger, and another potential central back coming in. My biggest worry for them is how they’ll fare at the beginning of the season. They lost a lot of leadership and Conte doesn’t seem very happy for some reason. Maybe he never really is. Prediction: A lot of yelling from Antonio Conte, and a lot of wins. Not champions again though. They’ve lost a lot and there’s a great chance that Conte will just decide to quit midseason.
3. Manchester United – They’ve spent so, so, so, so much money the last two years. They must be good, right?! Probably, yes. Dancing partners and BFFs Paul Pogba and Romelu Lukaku have been UNITED finally, and although I dream of their future partnership in the MLS for one of the Los Angeles team, they’re going to be very dangerous this year. Unless defensive tactician and interpersonal relationship mastermind Jose Mourinho somehow decides to employ the both of them at central D, which isn’t out of the realm of possibility. Prediction: Third place, three hundred million spent on Gareth Bale next season, and a new physio team after Jose blames them for his first loss this season.
2. Manchester City – More money! Bigger signings! More wing backs! They’ve signed some expensive guys this offseason, and on paper, they should be very good. They’ll probably look amazing for a month or two this season, but then have a full month of being bad. Pep is probably tied for Mourinho for being in the hottest possible seat, so a lot will depend on the beginning of the season. Will they sign Alexis or Mbappe? Maybe. They don’t really need to with Gabriel Jesus and Kun. Will Stones and Otamendi play? Definitely, and they’ll give up a lot of goals. Kompany staying healthy could be huge for them, but we’ll see. Prediction: Forty more signings this offseason, but they have way too many top-notch players to not come close to the title.
The Champs! Finally!
1. Tottenham – Tottenham’s transfer policy of not buying anyone is brilliant. Sell Kyle Walker? Bring up Kyle Walker-Peters. In reality, I think it’s only because they don’t really need anyone. They need to buy a backup striker and some other guys to rotate, but not much. Eventually the players will pull a Kyle Walker and go on to fairer and richer pastures, but for now, the kids stay together. Unlike their big money compatriots, they have a team that’s mostly played together for three seasons now, and that could make a real difference. Prediction: No St. Totteringham’s Day this year. Champions!
We’re probably going to be way off on these, but maybe not! Thanks for reading.