Tag Archives: football

Premiership Predictions!

As it is EPL Eve, we’ve decided to drop our first Premiership Predictions. In order to make it more exciting, we’ve done it in reverse order. So either scroll to the bottom to see who we say the champions will be, or read all of it. Soccer time!

The Droppers

20. Huddersfield – Their jerseys were so bright last year that they had to be promoted. Now, they have regular colors, so their opponents won’t be afraid they’re made of lasers. This will not help them at all. The American effect will help the Terriers, but Wagner (Klopp’s BFF) and Danny Williams can only do so much. Prediction: Bottom of the table, unless they bring back their laser jerseys.soccer14

 

19. Brighton and Hove Albion – They only lost 2-3 to Atletico Madrid in a friendly, so based on that, they’ll finish in a European qualifying position. In reality, they won’t. They’re a great story and I’d love for them to stay up, but I just can’t see it happening. Prediction: Relegation and Battle Albion.soccer15

18. Burnley – Sean Dyche looks like a villain from a Jason Statham movie. And he uses that to intimidate oppositions at Turf Moor. It usually works, but I think it’ll be a tough season without his best henchman (Michael Keane) and best homophobe (Andre Gray). Prediction: It’ll be a street fight, but Burnley has to play against better-looking, stronger, faster Jason Stathams all season. RelegationBlackburn Rovers v Burnley - npower Championship

 

The Boring Bottom Half

17. Swansea – There was only one person responsible for keeping Swansea up last year, and it wasn’t Paul Clement. It was the Norse God Gylfi himself, who was seemingly responsible for every goal or assist they had last season. They haven’t strengthened their team a lot, and if a team meets their demands and Gylfi leaves, that means they’ll probably score 6 goals this season. All own goals. Prediction: They’ll be lucky to stay up.

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16. Watford – They bought some cool young players, but they’re pretty unproven in the premiership. And the rest of the team was pretty poor last year. If English Drake comes back and scores a ton of goals, that would help, and they have a good manager, but it seems like their team had a lot of issues. Prediction: The yellowest jerseys in the league, and barely surviving relegation.soccer16

15. Newcastle United – Tactical genius Rafa Benitez mixed with future and present American hair and soccer superstar, DeAndre Yedlin, means that Newcastle are primed for success. Rafa has an equally big book of tactics, rivaled only by Pep Guardiola, so if he manages to use them correctly, Newcastle could do decently. Prediction: Bottom half, but survivors!soccer6

14. Stoke City – Stoke are like West Brom, in that they are very boring. And they lost their best attacker in Arnautovic. They have to rely on Joe Allen and that angry little guy on their team too much, on the other hand, they have a lot of short talent. Zouma is good on loan there but I don’t see them doing that well. Prediction: A lot of draws.soccer17

13. West Brom – They are the most boring successful team (if you call finishing near mid-table success) in the history of the game. If there were a championship for long balls and set pieces, they would do really well. I don’t get it, but they just never seem to give up many goals. Maybe their pitch is muddier than the rest, or has a lot of grass clumps. I can’t explain it. Prediction: Their first pass will be a clearance.soccer13

 

The Middle Men

12. Crystal Palace – This team’s signings would make any Football Manager fan happy, with Jairo Riedewald and Ruben Loftus-Cheek. They have some real quality in attack with Benteke and Zaha, but this team looked like they were going to lose every game last year for a long time. Unless they have a huge influx of cash from a rapper who thinks this is a champagne company and they buy some good defenders, maybe then they’ll do better. Prediction: 459 nutmegs by Zaha this season.soccer23

11. Leicester – Somehow, they’ve still managed to keep together most of their championship winning team. Not that it helped them a lot last year. Kelechi Iheanacho could be a huge signing for them now that he’s going to be playing more regularly, but I don’t know about this team. Slimani, Vardy, and Kelechi is a really good attack, but they’re getting old in the back. Prediction: Better than last year.soccer8

10. Southampton – They’ve gone from a selling club to a selling club who won’t sell anymore. They’re obviously not a feeder club for Liverpool anymore, so the team is up for grabs. They have some really quality players in attack and if van Dijk stays, they’ll have a solid squad. He wants to go though, and it’ll be tough to keep him. Prediction: They’ll sell half the team to West Ham next season.soccer11

9. Bournemouth – The Cherries are a seriously cool team. The coolest cherry based team around. Nathan Ake was a great signing and based on his reverse-aging soccer career, Jermain Defoe probably will be too. If they hold on to the least Norwegian player ever, Joshua King, they could have a really good attack. Prediction: Cherries on the top! Half of the table.

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8. West Ham – I don’t want to put them this high, but they’re a pretty strong team. They haven’t really lost much, and they’ve added Arnautovic, JOE HART, and Chicharito. You’re supposed to yell JOE HART’s name when you say or read it. They have a really big and fast team, but JOE HART will let in some real howlers, as usual. Prediction: A lot of tunnel yelling from JOE HART.soccer10

 

The Challengers

7. Everton – The savior has returned! Rooney is back, and with more hair than he had as a 15 year old. The Toffees actually made some good moves this summer by getting Keane, Pickford, and Klaassen, but losing Lukaku will be big hole to fill. Literally and figuratively. They could sign the next biggest striker, Giroud, but his hair is too beautiful. I say go for Crouch, he’ll at least make up for the height. Prediction: Seventh place, and Crouch is seven feet tall. Also, I predict that Rooney will NOT equal Lukaku’s goal total.

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6. Arsenal – Will he stay or will he go? We’re talking about Alexis Sanchez, of course. And if you read this later in the season, obviously Arsene Wenger. The Gunners depend too much on a guy who looks like he doesn’t try (Ozil), and a guy who wants to leave more than anything (Sanchez). I love Lacazette, but I don’t know if he’ll be enough to take them back into the top four, especially with the uncertainty around Alexis. Prediction: 24 season ending injuries and a sixth place finish.soccer19

5. Liverpool – I want Liverpool to win the league, and they could BUT there are a lot of buts with this team. And butts too. If Coutinho goes, they won’t make the top 4, they just can’t compete if they lose half of the pearliest white smile tandem of Phil and Firmino. AND they didn’t sign a CB, which besides left back, was their biggest problem. They haven’t really addressed either position well. Salah looks great, and with Mane on the wing, they will score a ton, but they will definitely drop points if they don’t sign a top center back to start ahead of Lovren. Every Liverpool fan will be just waiting for the dumb injury time equalizers by Watford and Brighton. Prediction: It hurts me, but they will probably finish outside the top 4. Lower if they lose Coutinho, higher if they sign a top notch CB.soccer7

 

The Top Four

4. Chelsea – They’ll be without Eden “The Garden” Hazard for a little while, but the real loss is not getting to see Diego Costa’s antics on the pitch. Morata should fill in well now that he has actual players passing to him, and Chelsea’s defense will be amazing with Bakayoko (when he comes back), Rudiger, and another potential central back coming in. My biggest worry for them is how they’ll fare at the beginning of the season. They lost a lot of leadership and Conte doesn’t seem very happy for some reason. Maybe he never really is. Prediction: A lot of yelling from Antonio Conte, and a lot of wins. Not champions again though. They’ve lost a lot and there’s a great chance that Conte will just decide to quit midseason.soccer20

3. Manchester United – They’ve spent so, so, so, so much money the last two years. They must be good, right?! Probably, yes. Dancing partners and BFFs Paul Pogba and Romelu Lukaku have been UNITED finally, and although I dream of their future partnership in the MLS for one of the Los Angeles team, they’re going to be very dangerous this year. Unless defensive tactician and interpersonal relationship mastermind Jose Mourinho somehow decides to employ the both of them at central D, which isn’t out of the realm of possibility. Prediction: Third place, three hundred million spent on Gareth Bale next season, and a new physio team after Jose blames them for his first loss this season.soccer2

2. Manchester City – More money! Bigger signings! More wing backs! They’ve signed some expensive guys this offseason, and on paper, they should be very good. They’ll probably look amazing for a month or two this season, but then have a full month of being bad. Pep is probably tied for Mourinho for being in the hottest possible seat, so a lot will depend on the beginning of the season. Will they sign Alexis or Mbappe? Maybe. They don’t really need to with Gabriel Jesus and Kun. Will Stones and Otamendi play? Definitely, and they’ll give up a lot of goals. Kompany staying healthy could be huge for them, but we’ll see. Prediction: Forty more signings this offseason, but they have way too many top-notch players to not come close to the title.soccer21

 

The Champs! Finally!

1. Tottenham – Tottenham’s transfer policy of not buying anyone is brilliant. Sell Kyle Walker? Bring up Kyle Walker-Peters. In reality, I think it’s only because they don’t really need anyone. They need to buy a backup striker and some other guys to rotate, but not much. Eventually the players will pull a Kyle Walker and go on to fairer and richer pastures, but for now, the kids stay together. Unlike their big money compatriots, they have a team that’s mostly played together for three seasons now, and that could make a real difference. Prediction: No St. Totteringham’s Day this year. Champions!soccer22

 

We’re probably going to be way off on these, but maybe not! Thanks for reading.

Mygournal Sandwich Shop

Historically, sandwiches have been linked with athletes since the beginning of time. From Lawrence Taylor’s B.L.T. to the Reuben (invented by running back Reuben Droughns), athletically-named sandwiches have been a staple in the diets of American citizens. Here at the Mygournal Sandwich Shop, we have created some fictional and not so fictional sandwiches for the viewing and tasting public. Enjoy, but eat with care.

The Jake Delhommewich – A delicious sandwich with aged meats and cheeses, but the only problem is it’s expensive. It costs $42.50 and when you order it, it will most likely be given to someone at a different table.

The Ben Roethlisberger Burger – The burger will undoubtedly make you fatter and grow a chinstrap beard. It tastes like you’re eating concrete after you fell off a motorcycle. Not a recommended sandwich.

The Matt Leinhart Black Bean Sandwich – This sandwich is full of beans and so is Matt Leinhart.

The JaMarcus Russell  Roast Beef Sandwich- The picture on the menu makes this sandwich look like it is a top choice sandwich, but once you taste it, you will instantly regret ordering it. An expensive sandwich that tastes exactly like shit.

The Joe Namath Kebab- A great snack after a night or day of binge drinking. This old time favorite also really hits the spot after sexually harassing young women. Order this street meat and win, I guarantee it.

The Eli Manning Turkey Sandwich- Not the best sandwich in the world but can often be the best sandwich on the menu. Sometimes it comes out great but most of the time you can barely take a bite. If the Peyton Manning Ham sandwich is available, it is advisable to order it instead.

The Vince Young Chicken Salad Sandwich- This is a great sandwich when your on the run. If you’re not in a rush or have a normal I.Q. then this sandwich isn’t for you. It is imporant to note that the Vince Young is made from bread then has a tendency to crumble with pressure is applied, so eat it with great care.

The Tim Tebow Club Sandwich- Best sandwich on the planet. You couldn’t fit any more meat in between two pieces of white bread. I’d bet Tebow’s Christian faith that this sandwich will make you praise the lord for creating such a fantastic blend of meat and bread.

The Philly Vick-Steak – A delicious blend of Provolone cheese and lean dog meat.

The Mark Sanchez Breakfast Burrito – You would think this sandwich is authentic mexican food when ordering it, but the meat is actually just good old American Hot Dog mixed with scrambled eggs, because sometimes Sanchez has egg on his face from his rookie mistakes.

The Brett Favre Ham and Cheese – The meat in this sandwich went rotten a long time ago, but people still seem to order it. This is definitely the most polarized sandwich, as people either love it or hate it, but eating it will undoubtedly make you sick eventually.

The Brady Quinn American Cheese Sandwich – All American like Brady Quinn, and all cheese like Brady Quinn. All this guy does is smile for the camera, and like Quinn, the sandwich never gets ordered. Well, Brady loves the sandwich, but no one else seems to.

JaMarcus Russell

Ronaldo’s Replacement

This is going to be a little different than the humorous article that is normally published by the mygournal team, but I’m getting tired of reading the retarded articles about who will replace the irreplaceable Cristiano Ronaldo. With the sale of Ronaldo for 131 million dollars, or about 80 million pounds, they can afford any player in the world. Let me make it clear that no player signed will make the immediate impact that Ronaldo can on the United team, but that doesn’t mean Sir Alex Ferguson can’t sign someone awesome. Here is my list of people I would like to replace Ronaldo:

5. Karim Benzema – Forward, Lyon – He’s not a winger and he won’t directly replace Ronaldo, but he will score and he’s young. This would move Rooney out to the wing probably, but he’s shown he can play there. I wouldn’t do this move unless Tevez isn’t coming back, but it’d be a good signing nonetheless.

4. Wesley Sjneider – Midfielder, Real Madrid – He’s dutch, he’s very good, and he probably won’t play a lot at Real Madrid. Man Utd might be able to get him for cheap or a direct swap, and he would make an impact in the midfield for sure.

3. David Silva – Winger, Valencia – He showed in Euro 2008 that he is a world class player, and he might be available for pretty cheap, due to the financial woes at Valencia, so why not go for him. He is really young and talented, but he is small and it is difficult to tell how he would handle the physical nature of the English Premiership. Maybe Manchester could pull of a deal to get him and David Villa for 40 million euros or so, that would be amazing.

2. Franck Ribery – Midfielder, Bayern Munich – He’s arguably the best winger behind Messi and Ronaldo, and he will definitely make an impact, but Bayern Munich has said they want anywhere from 20 to 80 million euros for him. I do not want to see him go to United for any more than 30 million euros. He’s very good, but he’s 27, small and French, and has not proven that he can play in the Premiership yet.

1. Ashley Young – Winger, Aston Villa – He’s so awesome, I can’t even describe it. He’s won the young player of the year 2 times in the premiership and he’s proven he can play. The only problem is that he won’t come cheap, but maybe still cheaper than Ribery. At 23 he is the top choice to me, and I’m sure he couldn’t resist playing in the Champions League for Manchester United.

Honorable Mention –

-Freddy Adu – Midfielder, Benefica – He’s awesome and young but he wouldn’t play very much at Manchester. If they could get him for cheap it would be a great buy for the future.
-Ryan Babel – Winger/Striker, Liverpool – He’s been speculated to be on the outs at Liverpool, but it’s doubtful he would go to Manchester, especially since he has failed to make an impact under the “genius” Benitez. He has the talent to be world class though.

Also, I have to look into Antonio Valencia. It is looking more and more like Man Utd are going to sign him, but I don’t know much about him, so I don’t have much to comment on. He was on Wigan, and pretty young, and probably wouldn’t be too expensive, but I don’t know if he’s Manchester United quality. Apparently he has been attracting the attention of many top clubs such as Liverpool, so he can’t be that bad.