Tag Archives: Tim Tebow

Goodbye Gator Nation

Dear fans,

Tim Tebow here, it’s been a long and crazy journey, hasn’t it? Time flew by, but we sure had a lot of fun. First and foremost, I want to apologize for the 6 losses and 16 interceptions in my career. I made a  promise to my fans earlier in my career, so I’m going to leave you with a little farewell promise. NO ONE will be better than me, NO ONE will try harder than me, NO ONE will have more chiseled features than me, NO ONE will worship god like me, and NO ONE will ever be stronger and break more tackles than me. THAT’S A TIM TEBOW GUARANTEE. So now my fans, I leave you with a video that my mom and dad made me for christmas. It includes my favorite college moments, and some surprise cameos by my favorite celebrities. I hope you enjoy, GOD BLESS.

-Tim Tebow

Tim Tebaby

If you consider yourself a college football fan, you were watching the Alabama – Florida game for the SEC championship. No one could’ve asked for a better football game, but that’s not what most people remember. The image of the great Tim Tebow, kneeling on the sideline, overcome with emotion and in tears on national television is what everyone remembers. The image has made this formidable man-beast the laughingstock of football and sports. A man who puts everything on the line one day a week for a couple of months each year is now being called a “baby”  and a “girl”. Sports analysts and bloggers all over the country mock Tebow from the safety of their computers, but little do they know the truth behind the watery eyes of God’s second son.

1) Tim Tebow, trying to pump himself up before the game, decided to pop in an inspiring DVD to make himself even more of an insurmountable foe. He searched the whole stadium for something, but the only DVD available in the entire facility was “Cool Runnings”, the heartwarming story about a ragtag group of Jamaican sprinters (and an eccentric pushcart driver) who make it to the Olympics under the guidance of an American bobsledding castaway (played by comedian John Candy). This Disney classic has made millions of viewers break down to tears, and not even the great Florida quarterback could resist for long. After seeing the Jamaicans cross the finish line with the bobsled on their back, Tim could not hold his emotion back.

2) someone had been messing with Tim’s I-Pod, switching from his “Pre-Game Pump” mix to his  “Super Sad Songs” playlist.  Some of these songs my have been included.

  • Beautiful by Christina Aguilera
  • Epiphany by Staind
  • Everybody Hurts by R.E.M
  • Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls
  • Brick by Ben Folds Five
  • The Graduation Song by Vitamin C
  • Here’s to the Night by Eve 6
  • The Freshmen by the Verve Pipe

With the sad sounds of Vitamin C and Eve 6 drowning Tebow in sorrow all game, it was nearly impossible for him to focus on passing the ball, let alone keeping his composure on the sidelines.  Tebow was an emotional train wreck waiting to happen.

3) In addition to this, some minor events happened throughout the course of the game.

  • Someone was cutting an onion on the Florida Bench
  • A bug had flown into Tim’s eye
  • In a High-5 that went horribly wrong, he got smacked in the family jewels.
  • He found out the Raiders had him number one on their draft list
  • Someone told Tebow that wrestling is fake
  • Tim over heard that his girlfriend wants a breast reduction

4) The final straw for Tebow came near the end of the fourth quarter. Some rude Alabama fans behind the Gators bench decided it would be funny to yell at Tebow that Santa Claus isn’t real. Tim is grown up, but one thing that has never left him is his Christmas spirit. When he heard these words (that he’d been secretly thinking for the past 2 years) he just lost it. This year for Christmas, Tebow had asked for a plane ticket to the Congo so he could spread Christmas cheer and help poor, needy children on the other side of the world. A so-called harmless joke not only ruined the game and Tebow’s Christmas, but the welfare of many African children.

I want you to put yourself in Tim Tebow’s shoes. Do you think, after all of these horrible events, that you could keep yourself from crying? Don’t lie to yourself because you know the answer is no.


Leaf Me Alone

Ryan Leaf is on the run from the law, but we know where he’s hiding out so we managed to catch up to him for a quick interview. A quick interview that didn’t turn out so well. This is not for the feint of heart…

MyGournal – Knock Knock!
Ryan Leaf – Who the fuck is it, i’ll blow your goddamn brains out.
MyGournal – It’s us Ryan, we’re not here to hurt you.
Ryan Leaf – Oh shit, I thought it was those fuckin’ pigs. Come on in.
MyGournal – Hey Ryan, I thought you were going to turn yourself in?
Ryan Leaf- Yea, I was on my way there, but I had to call an audible.
MG – What do you mean?
RL – What I mean is that IM NOT GOING TO GO TO FUCKING JAIL YOU JACKASSES
MG – Whoa, Ryan calm down.
RL – Sorry, I’m in Hydrocodene withdrawal. What else do you want to know?
MG – Why’d you start taking painkillers?
RL – You have no idea guys, no idea, what it’s like to throw that many interceptions in that short of a career. It’s called Interceptionitis, its a very debilitating problem. Look at Joey Harrington, he can’t even play the piano anymore! Every time he tries, he just ends up passing out. The only reason David Carr has protected himself from Interceptionitis is with his gloves. Dammit, if I had just worn gloves throughout my career.
MG – You mean to say that you’re suffering from a disease caused by the amount of interceptions you threw during your short career?
RL – That’s right. After I quit the game, I went into rehab for 2 years. Everything was going great until my annual NFL draft cookout.
MG – What happened?
RL – I was cooking some hot dogs, some damn good hot dogs at that, then we stopped to play a little two-hand touch. I hadn’t passed a ball since my last game, but I was sure after rehab, I’d be okay. Everything was going well, I had 4 touchdowns in the first half. Then, after the second beer break, I dropped back, and I saw my buddy Jed wide open in the endzone. I lobbed it up perfect to him, but that son of a bitch Steve picked it off. Somebody on the sideline yelled, “You back on the Chargers, Leaf?” and that’s when I lost it. I yelled “Fuck you” to that guy, then kicked over the grill. Unfortunately, it landed on my nephew Randy, and he had 2nd degree burns all over his body.

MG – Wow, that’s horrible.
RL – Yea, it was horrible, but I don’t give a shit. I went home, put on the pads, and listened to jock jams volume 2 for 4 hours. Oh yea, and I was high as shit on Vicodin, so yea, I was rockin’ out.
MG – So you don’t regret the drugs at all?
RL – The only thing I regret is getting caught, and the fact that I’m going to have to kill you for finding out my location.
MG – Ryan, we won’t tell anyone, just take it easy.
RL – This is it, my final revenge on the media. (Pulls out a .44 Magnum) You all attacked me, called me a failure and flop. This time, good ol’ Ryan will be getting the best of you. Here is Ryan Leaf’s countdown of the 10 best shots into your head. 10 BOOM

MG – Holy Shit, what are you doing? You missed us from 5 feet away, and you’re from Texas, you should know how to shoot.

RL – Number 9 won’t be so unlucky…BOOM

MG – Umm…

RL – 8…7…6…5…4…

MG – That was close, put down the gun Ryan we don’t anyone to get hurt.
RL – Get hurt? Don’t count on these three missing…..BANG!

The door crashed open, and none other than Junior Seau came running through the living room.

Junior Seau – I’m comin’ for you Leaf, we traded Eric Metcalf to get you, and you’re gonna fuckin’ pay for that!
Ryan Leaf – Oh shit…

The story ends there. Leaf was tackled so hard, his head fell off. We want to send a big thank you to Junior Seau and to Tim Tebow, who had been doing surveillance for us while we were inside, as extra protection. He called Seau in just enough time, and we are indebted to them for the rest of our lives.

Tebow Tips! Volume 2

Hey guys,
It’s Tim here. Sorry I’ve been away for so long. I’ve been working out extra hard this summer to get ready for next year and helping people has been the last thing on my mind (JUST KIDDING, y’all know me) But anyways, I’m gonna give you guys some food tips to make your lives healthier and better, and might I add that they taste pretty dang good (but not as good as mom’s food). If you want to be a winner like me, then you should eat these foods.

Tim’s Favorite Foods!
-What you should eat to be like me-

1. Banana Splits – If you want to know one thing about me, it’s two words ICE CREAM. I like ice cream, no wait, I love ice cream. I eat ice cream for breakfast some days, and by some days I mean everyday. I’m lactose tolerant, I can eat an infinite amount. I love bananas and chocolate too, so this is a dream combination. Plus, milk and bananas are healthy, so you can’t go wrong with that.

2. Green beans – When I was a kid, I used to get called “green bean” by the 9th graders who lived down the street. One day I was wearing a green shirt and my favorite green shorts, and might I add that I was already 5’8″ when I was 12, so needless to say, they started calling me green bean. I didn’t get the joke at first, but thats because I had never eaten them before. Now that I tried them, I cant stop eating them. But don’t call me “green bean” anymore HAHA!

3. Ice cream sandwiches – Well I love sandwiches, but what’s better than ham and turkey in a sandwich? Ice cream. Don’t even get me started again.

4. Chicken pot pie – People always ask me, “what do you eat before games?” and my answer has always been one personal sized chicken pot pie, 15 minutes before gametime. It makes me feel warm inside, and it gets my blood flowing. Nothing is better than listening to some good christian rock, like Jars of Clay, and eating chicken pot pie before a game, thats how winners are made.

5. Salad – Just kidding, ice cream sunday is what I really meant to put. If there was an ice cream championship, I would do anything to win it. If I could have another nickname besides “green bean” and “l8r gator”, it would be Ice cream MVP. If you know my aim screen name you know that I just changed it to ICMVP2009, so if I’m not your friend, you can send me an IM about ice cream or something.

2009 NFL Historical Draft

In this 2009 NFL draft, teams were allowed to select anyone from history, making it the inaugural NFL Historical Draft. It will be accompanied by the rookie draft where teams actually select real players out of college, but that is in the future so we thought we would post the results of the 2009 Historical Draft, since it was not widely publicized.

1. Detroit Lions – Jesus Christ – QB/Savior

The Detroit Lions select Jesus Christ with their first pick, not only because of his all around athletic ability, but because they need a fucking prayer to be good again. Detroit went with Jesus because of his high TD to INT ratio, excellent field vision, and leadership abilities. He’s a real character guy too, no team wouldn’t want to have him as their quarterback. He’ll go from being the face of a religion to the face of a franchise. The only knock on Jesus is that he is a poor scrambler, evident when he was captured and nailed to a cross. Hopefully Detroit can help him out by picking up some O-lineman or disciples in free agency.

2. St. Louis Rams – Ramses the Great – OT

While it is unknown what Ramses II’s true size is, his monuments make it look like he is huge, because they are all huge. Rams GM Bill Devaney stated that his name had absolutely nothing to do with the selection, it had everything to do with his strength, size and that he has more upside than a sand dune in the Sahara. He is known as a leader and the Rams faithful will be putting a monument of Ramses outside their stadium, whether they like it or not.

3. Kansas City Chiefs – Martin Lawrence – Actor/CB

The Chiefs made a big mistake here. There staff was planning on selecting Abraham Lincoln, a great pass rushing DE from Kentucky, but new coach Todd Haley had just stayed up all night watching reruns of “Martin” and the film “Black Knight”. When asked for his selection he blurted out Martin Lawrence, and the selection was final. This team is in a lot of trouble unless Martin Lawrence acts more like his character from “Bad Boys” , and less like Shanaynay from “Martin”.

4. Seattle Seahawks – Benjamin Franklin – WR

Ben Franklin was an obvious choice for the Seahawks. They lack any excitement and electricity on offense, so why not draft the inventor of electricity. His only weaknesses are that he is fat, and has a soft spot for the ladies, which can be somewhat of a distraction at times. He is extremely intelligent on the field and always makes big plays, and is not afraid to make the difficult catches and sign important documents, like the declaration of independence.

5. Cleveland Browns – Lebron James – Whatever position he wants to play

With the 5th pick, the Browns selected the greatest athlete in the history of the world and hometown hero, Lebron James. It might be a desperate attempt to keep him playing basketball for the Cavs, but many believe that Lebron will be the best football player on the planet when he steps on the field. He will most likely be playing on offense and defense, due to his limitless stamina and will most likely play LB and WR due to his strength, size, speed, hands and amazing dunking ability. Hopefully Derek Anderson will be able to keep his job at starting QB, because backup quarterback Lebron James is already putting a lot of pressure on him.

6. Cincinnati Bengals – Albert Einstein – RB

The Bengals played it safe here by picking a guy who doesn’t have a very questionable character. He is probably one of the smartest people in history, and his explosive speed makes him almost unstoppable. He is almost as explosive as the bombs he is somewhat responsible for creating. He racked up a lot of yards in his time at the University of Zurich, hopefully he can replicate those stats for the Bengals. Unfortunately, after the draft, it was discovered that Einstein was in fact a rapist and was wanted in 12 countries. Cincinnati is concerned, but willing to have him on their team.

7. Oakland Raiders – Adolph Hitler – LB

Al Davis is not afraid to pick a talented guy with character issues and he really went for it on this pick. Hitler brings his leadership abilities and hatred for all minorities to this Raiders defense. It could be a real catalyst for the team, as he knows how to crush his opponents and his hitting ability is murderous. You can already see that many Oakland supporters are behind him, as many of the Oakland jewish community have gone into hiding. His only weaknesses are that he only speaks German, he hates all the black players on the team, and all of the players are terrified to use the showers. Other than that, if his abilities can be harnessed and his hatred of the jews can be tempered, he will be a great player for this franchise.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars – Winston Churchill – OT

Winston Churchill did a great job of protecting England from the Nazis during World War II and will likely be protecting QB David Gerrard for a long time. He’s got the size, but some question his athleticism and the fact that he smokes. The Jags have a lot of talent on offense and if everything comes together, he could be anchoring one of the top offenses for a long time to come, or until the Nazis stop him, but he won’t have to worry about U-boats in Jacksonville, or does he?

9. Green Bay Packers – Abraham Lincoln – DE

He’s tall, he’s strong, he can do almost everything. With his hard work and great attitude, hell fit in perfectly with the Packers and make them an instant contender. Sacking the quarterback will be easy compared to ending slavery and defeating the confederacy. The only person that can block him is John Wilkes Booth, but it is doubtful he’ll ever make it to the league with his bum knee. It’ll be tough to fit his top hat under the helmet, but at least he won’t have to worry about getting shot in the back of the head.

10. San Fransisco 49ers – Alexander the Great – QB

His field general abilities are second to none, and this is a desperate area of need for the 49ers, with Alex Smith not panning out at all. They are extremely lucky to get Alexander, they don’t have to worry about him having small hands like his predecessor. He can come in play right away, and will lead his team much like he led his soldiers in defeating the Persians, Egyptians, etc. He was not pleased by the way he was portrayedl in the film with Colin Farrell and will come into the league with a chip on his shoulder, which ironically wouldn’t be his only physical deformity.

11. Buffalo Bills – Che Guevera – LB

He provides a lot of help rushing the passer, something the Bills had trouble with last year. He is quick, and armed to the teeth, but much like the Bills, he will eventually fail. He will be happy playing for the Bills, but will undoubtedly have a lot of trouble living and working in the United States, as they were the ones who had him killed the first time he died, but who knows, maybe now that he’s playing football, he will take out his aggression on the opposing team instead of opposing governments.

12. Denver Broncos – Theadore Roosevelt – DT

There are a lot of problems on the Broncos right now, a lot of bad attitudes (Brandon Marshall) and locker room cancers (Jay Cutler) so who better to keep them in line than Mr. Carry-A-Big-Stick, Teddy Roosevelt. He will dominate his opponents but more importantly, he will be a great leader, and no one will get out of line with “Teddy Bear” on the team.

13. Washington Redskins – George Washington – DE

The Redskins ranked near the bottom of the league in sacks, and adding Albert Haynesworth and his 100 million dollar contract, they made the move to get General George Washington, first president and wood teeth expert. He will get sacks and destroy the QB, much like he destroyed the brits. He has experience in Washington, and everyone thinks it’d be cool to see Washington on the front and back of the jersey.

14. New Orleans Saints – Napoleon Bonaparte – CB

He may be slight in stature, but he makes up for it with attitude and toughness. He is a man who definitely suffers from “short person syndrome” but he is fast, strong and will shut down any receiver. He is happy to be in New Orleans, a city with french connections and hopes to rebuild the city much like he built his empire, with exception to his exile and defeats. He will add a new dimension to a defense that has the talent in place, but he’d better hope he can stop Steve Smith, who may be the Waterloo to the Saints’ new cornerback.

15. Houston Texans – George W. Bush – FS

George W. Bush is a true texan, and now is really a true Texan. He wanted to play quarterback in college, but realized he was better at hurting people than helping them, so he moved to FS where hurting people was actually helpful to the team. He will bring a lot of corporate support to a team that is generally lacking a strong fan base. His poor intelligence and communication abilities hurt his chances of being a top pick, as well as the fact that he sucks overall, but the Texans don’t care because he offered them a lot of money to pick him.

16. San Diego Chargers – Gandhi – LB

Who would’ve thought that such a peaceful person would be so violent on the football field? If you’ve seen his high school football videos on youtube, you’d know that the only thing Gandhi likes more than fasting is hitting. He will make a great teammate and once he adds a little weight, he’ll be a monster.

17. New York Jets – Burt Reynolds – QB

When Jets owner Woody Johnson found out actor Burt Reynolds, from his favorite film “Smokey and the Bandit” actually played a quarterback in another film, “The Longest Yard”, Woody almost got an erection, too bad he has ED. When a man named Woody Johnson can’t get a boner you know something is wrong. Back to the point,  while Reynolds may be a little old, he has the charisma and physique to be a successful QB for the Jets. He actually played QB for Florida State, almost making him ineligible for the draft, but since he is primarily known for his acting, it was allowed.

18. Chicago Bears – Mike Ditka – TE

They don’t need a tight end, and really Ditka wasn’t even eligible for the draft, but they wouldn’t pick anyone else, so we allowed it. Their fan base will no doubt be pleased, but he doesn’t actually help their team at all.

19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tim Tebow – QB

Well it breaks the rules, and Tim Tebow HATES breaking rules, but it just so happens that his game breaks all the rules, because he is such an unconventional quarterback. He is the light at the end of the tunnel, period. He is God’s natural son, the Lions made a huge mistake by not selecting him with the first pick, and he will make them pay, but not monetarily. And he will be courteous about it. He will embarrass them on the field, but apologize for it after the game. He is a credit to all mankind, and seeing our boy finally make it as a pro brings a tear to our eyes.

20. Detroit Lions – King Midas – King

A purely fiscal move for a club that is struggling in this economic crisis. He has ties to the auto industry and can turn anything to gold, so as long as the price of gold is high, he will make the club a lot of money. Lions coaches are talking about using him as a kick returner, but his durability and malleability remains to be seen.

21. Philadelphia Eagles – Mark Wahlberg – WR/ Special Teams

He was so good in pretending to be a player for the Eagles that they actually selected him in real life. He is tough, fast, strong, and has everything to make a good football player, except for the fact that he is an actor. They picked him in this spot because they were afraid the Atlanta Falcons would pick him, as their owner Arthur Blank, is a big Marky Mark fan. Hopefully Wahlberg will learn to act like a real man when he breaks his fingers on a Donovan Mcnabb pass in practice, or his football career will be less successful than his rap and underwear modeling career.

22. Minnesota Vikings – Judas Iscariot- DE

In an attempt to stop the new force in their conference, the Minnesota Vikings selected undersized DE, Judas. He may not be the fastest or most athletic DE, but he is the only person who could stop Jesus before, so the Vikings are hoping that he can do it again.

23. New England Patriots – Benedict Arnold – Spy/Cheater/Traitor

He is perfect for Bellichick. He cheats, he will spy on the other teams, he will do anything. They’d better hope he doesn’t betray them though, because he is such a good traitor that he would betray anyone. He’s also a local too, right from Connecticut, so unless he is not allowed in the United States still, he will be welcomed to this Patriots team.

24. Atlanta Falcons – Louis Pasteur – Milk

The Falcons are terrified of selecting another dog-killer, so they selected the friendliest man with animals they could find. Louis Pasteur will provide the team with a lot of good milk, not the most thirst-quenching drink for games, but healthy nonetheless. It will be great to see all the Falcons chugging milk on the sidelines of their games, and he might not be helping much on the field, but he will pasteurizing the image of the Falcons just like Matt Ryan.

25. Miami Dolphins – Jeff Gordon – NASCAR driver

Nobody has any idea why the Dolphins made this pick. It is undoubtedly a huge step backwards

26. Baltimore Ravens – Genghis Khan – LB

With an aging defense, the Ravens looked at another renown murderer to replace Ray Lewis. Khan can be a little over-aggressive at times, and is used to fighting on horseback more than on foot, but he has no problem laying the wood on QB’s. His communication will be limited due to the fact that he doesn’t speak english at all, and may experience some culture shock in Baltimore, due to the fact that technology did not exist in his time, but he, like any great leader, will adjust. Peyton Manning will need to keep an eye on this Mongol for the rest of his career, or he will be raped and pillaged.

27. Indianapolis Colts – Claude Monet – WR

Losing Marvin Harrison hurts the team, but Monet, or Claude Money like his friends call him, has soft hands and a creative rout running ability that Peyton Manning will love. Like Da Vinci, everyone has questions about his durability, but if he can stay healthy, he will put up big numbers for the Colts.

28. Philadelphia Eagles – Jon Bon Jovi – CB

Nobody saw this coming, but it makes sense, as he owns the Philadelphia Soul. He knows football and he can sing, but can he run? Yes, and he has fluid hips from banging all those roadies in his touring days. The Giants fans will not be happy to see this guy on the opposing team, but Bon Jovi is just happy to be in the league.

29. New York Giants – Bruce Springsteen – LB

The Giants fans went crazy for this pick. Not only was he born in the USA, but the boss was born to run this Giants defense. When he’s done, there will be blood all over the streets of Philadelphia, and he will take the Giants to the promised land, back to their glory days.

30. Tennessee Titans – Martin Luther King, Jr. – WR

He is being brought in for his athletic ability and great hands, as well as his motivational speaking abilities. The Titans are really hoping that MLK can come in and talk some sense into former star Vince Young, but it will be tough. MLK will be a great player for the team, but I can imagine he is not too fond of playing so close to Memphis.

31. Arizona Cardinals – Nick Lechey  – Bench

Arizona selected Lechey in somewhat of a surprise pick because Matt Leinhart really needs a buddy on the bench. And who better than his BFF, Nick Lechey? He can’t play football at all, but he can sing, and dance, and increase morale on the team. Some players are hesitant about this pick, most notably Edgerrin James, who was quoted as saying, “why do we need this 98 degrees faggot on our team”, but Leinhart has assured everyone that he and Lechey will be acquiring sorority hoes for all the players.

32. Pittsburgh Steelers – Paul Bunyan – OL

He’s big, he’s fat, he’s ugly, but he gets the job done. That sounds a lot like the way the Steelers play football. He’s not even real, but the Steelers don’t need anything anyways so it all evens out. If anything, the tough spirit of Paul Bunyan will go into all of the other players and they will all be strength training with oxen and chopping down trees in no time.

The New Testament

Alright, so we here at MyGournal have just received a single off of one of the most hyped up CD’s since “the Joshua Tree”, by U2. It is called “the New Testament” and its by our old friend Jesus Christ, otherwise known as Ol’ Holy Bastard (OHB). He sounds really excited about it, he told us it’s his best work since his first album, “Back from the Dead”. His first single is called “Water to Wine”, and we must admit, it sounds amazing. Here’s just a little taste of whats to come from the son of God’s newest album.

O.H.B. ft. Gin n’ Cotton (Eli Whitney) – Water to Wine

Yo, we got DJ Bonez (Napoleon Bonaparte) up in here, drop a beat…

Jesus:

Water to wine,

You know the ladies love it,

I’m jus’ tryin’ to get mine,

I’ll giv’em somethin they can covet

They call it the Arc of the Covenant,

It be their Holy Grail,

Suckin’ down my juice,

Like I’m servin’ straight from my ladle.

Chorus: Cotton n’ Gin

Yo Jesus,

I see you up in them guts,

Tryin’ to please us,

And give these bitches somethin’ to suck

Yo’ wine

I wanna roll in tha hay with you,

Maybe my manger.

Get over here bitch,

And don’t be a stranger

You better get ready ho,

It’s about to get crazy.

My wine all over your mouth,

Like Roadhouse with Swayze

Chorus:

Yea Jesus,

I know your wine be so good,

Not personally though,

Cuz I know you don’t fuck dudes.

Outro:

Jesus: Yea, you know me, walkin’ on water, makin’ all the bitches get wet. DJ Bonez, Gin n’ Cotton, Eli Motherfuckin Whitney, and tha OHB, Ol’ Holy Bastard. Doin’ my time in 09, you know, suck on my wine, bitch.

Was Abraham Lincoln Gay?

On February 12th Americans celebrated the bi-centennial birthday of its most beloved president, Abraham Lincoln. Many rumors have surfaced that honest Abe was fighting for both sides, not during the Civil War , not inside his political party, but in the bed room. It’s possible that Lincoln was bi-presidential. The ramifications are endless top hats going back into style, fishnet being worn during February(presidents month), and even the penny becoming fabulous again. After extensive research, surfing through Wikipedia and dipping into multiple issues of Instinct magazine we believe these rumors to be false.  Below we have complied a list of reasons why Abe was not Gaybraham Lincoln.

gay-lincolnCharacter– Honesty, Fortitude, Intelligence. Just 3 of the 46 adjectives commonly used to describe Lincoln. When you see Abe, you wouldn’t know by looking at him, but he was incredibly strong. He could bench press 4 petite ladies, the equivalent of 600 pounds. Not only was he strong, but he had technique. He was the best wrestler in the entire United States for 4 straight, very straight, years. Not only could he fight greasy, sweaty men, but he could fight wood. The kind that likes to fight back and grow. I’m talking about trees! He was masterful with an axe. Nobody ever called Paul Bunyan gay, or Triple-H, so why would they turn the colonial version of the Rock into the man who liked rock hard …abs? You get the point.

lincolnrm-gay1Appearance – Many people question the attire of the former president, but what is there to question about top hats, bowties, and chinstrap beards. Umm hello, Mr. Peanut has been sportin’ that style for years, and he’s without a doubt, the least gay peanut in the entire peanut world. Chinstrap beards are still popular today, Ben Roethlisberger has one right now. You can’t discount how fashionable Abe was. This doesn’t make him gay, it just makes him clairvoyant. His style was so good, that it was from the future. If you’re going to call Abe anything, call him revolutionary, or a time-traveler, but please refrain from calling him gay. He can time travel so he will kill you.

Political Ties– Just because Abe was part of the Whig party and hung out with copperheads didn’t make his a fairy. The Whig party was more than just a group of men who thought the same way and wanted to do the same things, like go shopping (for important state needs), fill holes (because there were a lot of problems in the United States), and make people feel good. They needed a place to hang their hats and whigs, and let loose a little bit. It was the unfortunate name of the group, imposed by none other than Sir Harold Boner. The fact that Sir Harold Boner was himself a homosexual, should in no way, shape or form cast doubt into Abe’s own sexuality.

Family – Lincoln was a family man. His wife  Mary “Todd” Lincoln was also known as the “she-wolf”, because of the unsightly ear hair, not because she had the middle name Todd or the fact she possessed a male organ between her legs. Mary bared two sons in the name of the republic “Willie” and “Tad”.  Abe having children places him along many other straight family men such as, Richard Gere, Mike Piazza, Dustin Diamond and Neil Patrick Harris.

Living Arguments– A man of Lincoln’s size and stature could never hide in a closet, especially because log cabins don’t have closets.  Even if Abe had a massive wheel of cheese left at the entrance hall of the White House and served drink made from apple juices, I see nothing flamboyant about eating a little cheese and drinking a few delicious Appletinis. As for the rumor that Lincoln use to sleep with grown men hogwash, the winters in DC can get very cold especially when your werewolf wife isn’t around to snuggle.  The name Log Cabin Republican is just merely a coincidence.

Here is a poem Honest Abe wrote

I will tell you a Joke about Jewel and Mary
It is neither a Joke nor a Story
For Rubin and Charles has married two girls
But Billy has married a boy
The girlies he had tried on every Side
But none could he get to agree
All was in vain he went home again
And since that is married to Natty
So Billy and Natty agreed very well
And mama’s well pleased at the match
The egg it is laid but Natty’s afraid
The Shell is So Soft that it never will hatch
But Betsy she said you Cursed bald head
My Suitor you never Can be
Beside your LOW CROTCH
proclaims you a botch
And that never Can serve for me

If that doesn’t emancipate him, I don’t know what does